Capture: Untangling Snakes

In a state of dejection, I tried to cheer myself up by directing my attention to my past accomplishments, but as usually happens when I try to do this, I thought, ‘well, so what, what difference does that make?’ This time, however, something else happened as well. I thought, ‘putting aside for the moment whether or not they matter, think of them anyway,’ and so I did.

For me, this was breakthrough, to be able to separate out the two threads of the depressed state and the accomplishments.

But later on, I was able to take it a step further, realizing that of course I am rubbishing my accomplishments, because this is how people think when they are feeling really down. To expect to be thinking otherwise would be just silly; these downer thoughts are completely normal for someone in an intensely blue mood.

Thus, I was able to separate out the mood from the accomplishments and the negative thoughts, to put the depression on the back burner, so to speak, and accept the legitimacy of the accomplishments, aside from whether or not they are of any use, which only time will reveal as I make various attempts to pursue whatever goals I may set for myself.

This distinction may seem small, but for me, and anyone who’s ever really got caught up in a black mood, it’s huge, and makes the difference between having a really rotten night and at least a mildly pleasant one.

So, I had a hot soak in the tub, which eased my mind and body, decreasing my physical and mental aches and pains for a while. It should be noted that one of the important advantages of being present for the unpleasant moments is that you get to be present for the pleasant ones as well. Another benefit of observing closely those occasions when we feel all is well is that it helps us realize when things look awful to us that this view too is produced by temporary processes that will not last.

I still have a long way to go, I imagine, but a little bit of light has been generated this night, and I record my progress herein to remind myself and anyone else who’s interested of how this practice can gradually uncover all our doings and un-doings; how we can come to see and break-up and sort the tangled ball of snakes squirming and churning around inside us.

Campaign: Looking from the Moment

And so, I sat down to supper listening to an audio talk, but found that I was extremely restless, too restless to think of the talk. Irritated, I decided to stop the audio, put my supper aside and investigate this state.

When I did, I found so much pain in my body. I was aching all over, in fact, to such a degree that I decided I needed to lie down for a minute. When I did that, however, all kinds of fear relating to and hatred of my situation came up, which led to my feeling quite depressed and discouraged.

Then I decided to get up and write down a description of all that I was experiencing. As I read it over the thought came to me that I had heard that that late Ajahn Chah, a renowned Thai Theravada Buddhist teacher had said something to the effect that if you can formulate the question, you know the answer. At that moment, it occurred to me that there was a question implied in my description, and I asked myself what it was and waited for the question to arise.

After a short while, the question that came up was: “How do I do this?” I surmised that this meant, how do I cope with or handle or go forward, considering the situation and what I am feeling about it. When I asked myself the question, my mind stopped, as if it was caught on the question, or did not know how to answer it. Then, without thinking, I got up and ate my supper. Soon after, it suddenly hit me that getting up and eating my supper was the answer to the question.

Later that night when I went for a walk, as it was a Saturday night there were a lot of people, and I dislike crowds; so, I got really tense. I asked “How do I do this?” and the next thing that came to mind was “What’s happening,” by which I think I meant, everywhere simultaneously in this moment. My mind stopped again. All boundaries between myself and everything else seemed to disappear, and I relaxed. Now it was just a beautiful evening for a walk, and everything was okay just the way it was, crowds and all.

Afterwards, upon reflection I felt that the questions and the answers had both come from the same place. The questions had given me points of reference or comparison against which I was able to see from whence the answers had arisen, that is, from the source, from everything, everywhere simultaneously in this moment.

Camp: Break

What a breath of fresh air
To sit around the circle
Once more,
The breath comes in,
The breath goes out.

Expanding the view,
It’s much better there,
To forget this tiny bit
And get unstuck
From this crazy glue
Is like a cold drink
On a really hot day:
It’s such a relief
To cool down for a while.