Capture: Untangling Snakes

In a state of dejection, I tried to cheer myself up by directing my attention to my past accomplishments, but as usually happens when I try to do this, I thought, ‘well, so what, what difference does that make?’ This time, however, something else happened as well. I thought, ‘putting aside for the moment whether or not they matter, think of them anyway,’ and so I did.

For me, this was breakthrough, to be able to separate out the two threads of the depressed state and the accomplishments.

But later on, I was able to take it a step further, realizing that of course I am rubbishing my accomplishments, because this is how people think when they are feeling really down. To expect to be thinking otherwise would be just silly; these downer thoughts are completely normal for someone in an intensely blue mood.

Thus, I was able to separate out the mood from the accomplishments and the negative thoughts, to put the depression on the back burner, so to speak, and accept the legitimacy of the accomplishments, aside from whether or not they are of any use, which only time will reveal as I make various attempts to pursue whatever goals I may set for myself.

This distinction may seem small, but for me, and anyone who’s ever really got caught up in a black mood, it’s huge, and makes the difference between having a really rotten night and at least a mildly pleasant one.

So, I had a hot soak in the tub, which eased my mind and body, decreasing my physical and mental aches and pains for a while. It should be noted that one of the important advantages of being present for the unpleasant moments is that you get to be present for the pleasant ones as well. Another benefit of observing closely those occasions when we feel all is well is that it helps us realize when things look awful to us that this view too is produced by temporary processes that will not last.

I still have a long way to go, I imagine, but a little bit of light has been generated this night, and I record my progress herein to remind myself and anyone else who’s interested of how this practice can gradually uncover all our doings and un-doings; how we can come to see and break-up and sort the tangled ball of snakes squirming and churning around inside us.