Abeyance: False Start

As described last time, in my search for a way to escape the suffering of Fibromyalgia, I resurrected an old writing project and immersed myself in it, or more accurately, in the fantasy life from which this story had emerged. The creation of a certain character in this speculative fantasy—a mad monk—meant that I had to go back and create a religion for him to follow.

Then, while trolling the internet for information on various religions, I came across quite a bit of Buddhist material.

‘Oh yes, Buddhism,’ I thought. ‘I always intended to get back to that someday,’ though I could not remember where or when I’d first heard about it.

I had had some sporadic experiences with meditation in the past, and in the 1990s had seen Bill Moyers’ series, “The Healing Mind.” In one particular episode, Jon Kabat-Zinn’s use of mindfulness meditation and yoga to help people suffering from chronic pain and illness were highlighted. I was impressed. Later, I came across his book, Wherever You Go, There You Are, Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life (New York, USA: Hyperion 1994), which I would highly recommend for beginners looking for an introduction to this practice.

I also purchased a copy of Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress Pain and Illness (New York, USA: Delta 1990). I tried to follow some of the regimen outlined in the book, but really only got as far as the meditation on the breath. I started a meditation diary, and began with ten minutes of meditation a day, increasing it to up to an hour a day over a period of 8 weeks.

Then, just as abruptly, I ceased this practice. My diary records that although there were moments of comfort and relaxation, tremendous difficulties and struggle, pain, intense restlessness, and strong unpleasant emotions predominated. For example, on one occasion I wrote, “preoccupied, angry, hurting, anxious,” and near the end of my practice, “difficult, bitter, depressed, down, despairing, discouraged, angry, struggle, turmoil, overwhelming.” I just could not continue anymore.

Jon Kabat-Zinn’s emphasis was on mindfulness, however, and now I was looking for information about religions. Hence, I began to refresh my memory about what Buddhism was all about (along with other religious traditions, which don’t come into this tale). It was this exploration that led me to some new methods to try, though I wasn’t really looking for anything like that.

Next, I will write about these new discoveries.