Doubt: Is There a Problem?

Oh yes!
Where was I?
Trying to find a way
To get through the day
Without screaming.

What am I doing
Back here again?
Where I came in,
Do I like it here or something?

I wouldn’t have thought so,
Nor did I think
The improvement in fortune
Would banish these fluctuations,

No, not really
But maybe only
Reduce the discomfort
Of waiting, waiting, waiting, . . .

For?
Who or what am I expecting?
Where am I trying to get to?
Or is this just a habit?

And what do you do
After you arrive?
Go somewhere else?
Or just settle down?

What is settling down?
Is that even possible?
What do I think is missing?
Or is everything okay?

Perhaps that’s the problem,
That I know it’s okay
And I’m not used to this
And keep thinking there’s a problem.

Doorway: Unexpected Turn

Tonight’s misery
Born of ongoing difficulties with sciatica
Led to agitation and walking meditation
In the hallways,

Starting from
The top of the building
And working my way down
To the first floor,

First, climbing to the penthouse
Crossing the thick dark carpeting,
Focusing on the feet
As they trod over it,

Then down the stairs
To the floor below,
And so on,
Until I got to one;

From there,
I checked my mailbox
And noticed the irritation
At the junk mail I had to sort,

At one point wanted to abort
But decided to follow through
And finish it off
Before taking the elevator back.

And then, having gotten going
Decided to dispose
Of the garbage overflowing
And found this too over-stimulating,

Resulting in a restless sitting
But reflecting on, Alan Watts, Buddhism: Religion of No Religion, Concluding that, everything we do is indispensable
But as nobody’s in charge, no one is responsible for any of it.
And with that, complete relaxation and relief ensued.

Door: Just Sitting

Pain atop my left foot
And incessant yawning,
Every meditation is different
And this one certainly unique;

Half way through
The songs began
To play in my head,
And a whistle arose:

Further evidence that
Nobody’s in charge around here;
These events just happen
And to no one,

There being no indication
Of there being someone
For whom or to whom
These occurrences took place,

No sense of separation
Or even a concept of it,
Until the thought came,
‘What’s wrong with not trying to meditate?

‘Why not just sit
And be for a while?’
The answer,
‘Nothing is wrong;’

And so,
The session continued,
Until the time elapsed
And then, ‘I’ arose and stretched,

Pausing to write
Of this experience,
Before moving on
To some other activities.

Done: End of Day Meditation

Burning and tingling pain
Aback the legs again,
Making meditation
A bit of a challenge at first,

Especially the stabs
On the left hand side
But not exclusively,
As behind the shoulders ached too,

Not to mention
The top of the feet
Where floor and foot meet,
When sitting Burmese style

But at the same time,
Straightening the spine
And easing down into position
Gradually reduced the discomfort.

Then just sitting,
In a relaxed state,
No hurry,
Leaving all worries behind,

Minutes ticking gaily by,
A break at the end of a long day,
A welcome change
And a chance to fully rest,

At ease,
With no one to please
Or be criticized by,
Being my own boss

And not cross,
Nor at a loss
About anything;
Ending with stretching.

Don: Taking Charge

In spite of effort
The pain problem persisted,
The next attempt to stave it off
Was simply to get up and walk,

Back and forth across the floor,
Brought great relief
But how to integrate the activity
And continue with my work?

Five minutes of pacing,
Then sat down at the computer
To accomplish some writing,
Before soon prompted to move again;

Thereby, working a little,
Walking a little,
Developing the habit
Of not letting the pain get in the way,

To be able to flow on,
Without objection,
Not getting blocked
And yet making progress,

Seeking a balance
Between compassionate relaxation
And purposeful effort
To complete my tasks,

This is the challenge
I have undertaken,
To find a way to be happy
Regardless of the situation,

My ongoing mission
To be fully here,
With whatever comes
And be joyful within it.

Domicile: Embracing the Flow

Frustrated and fatigued,
Too worn out to achieve,
Lay down on the bed
Looking at my sciatica and back pain instead.

Then, considered what to do,
Wondered how to encourage
A sense of well being to ensue;
A cry, a moan and a sigh arose,

An outpouring of sounds,
From shrieks to groans and howls
Split the air,
Gradually resolving into a familiar rhythm,

‘Twas scat,
Imagine that!
Don’t think I’ve ever
Done that before,

‘I ought to cut a CD,’
Came forth,
What a funky rhythm!
How did that get in?

Along with bodily movements
That rippled through,
Accompanying these vocal contortions
And resulting in fascinating vibrations;

Yet at the end
The discomfort still registered
But the energy flowing
Enabled me to get my exercises going,

A body massage
For every part
That brought delight
To the heart.

Domesticity: Back on Track

Back on track perhaps
But for how long?
Won’t speculate,
Instead enjoy and proceed,

Too long got stuck
And now hopefully
The pace will pick up
Without undue stress;

Spring is here
And although the weather’s cool,
The sky brightens earlier
And stays so later;

It’s always strange,
No matter how many times this happens,
It’s always a surprise,
The return of lighter skies;

And ‘tis so of the inner weather,
As sometimes darkness appears endless,
Although I may know impermanence,
Still each instance is a scary event,

Every release from gloominess
Produces astonishment,
How a new frame of mind arises,
Often with no apparent causes;

From nowhere the newcomer arrives,
Just when it seems
The clouds will never clear
They up and disappear!

‘Tis a mystery
Too difficult to solve,
How everything dissolves
And where it all goes
Nobody knows.

Domesticate: Homing In

Wondrous sitting,
Breathing exciting,
Jumping around
And off and on

But pleasant peace,
That was until
The mind began flitting about,
On its own errands;

Counting the breaths
Pulled the attention
Away from jittery thoughts,
Which faded into the background,

Being with the breath,
It suddenly occurred to me
That I’m always with it,
For how else could I be?

Then all was just one experience,
All the senses working together,
A seamless happening
With no distractions,

Hearing the fan going and other sounds,
The thoughts arising and passing,
The sensations of sciatica,
Back pain and comfort united as one,

A sense of pleasant
And a thought,
‘This is a pleasant sitting,’
Into which attention fell for a time,

Then soon ‘twas the end
Of this particular mindfulness mission
And now to stow the cushions
And prepare for bed.

Domestic: At Home

The path looks straight
But the mind is tangled,
How do these go together?
Or do they?

They must do,
As they are together,
Happenings in
The present moment;

No adjustment needed
Even though everything’s a mess,
Life is disorderly,
Otherwise, how could it arise?

Growth is all over,
Playful and wild,
Creative and expressive,
Spicy as well as mild;

The mind is alive,
Full of thoughts
And wondrous images,
Colour and light,

Dancing delightfully,
Cavorting spontaneously,
Taking unexpected turns
And cart wheeling mightily,

Nobody’s in charge
Of this remarkable display,
Which appears no different
From all else at play;

Connected in with
The celestial music,
Which sings joyfully
To all who hear it.

Domain: Taking Refuge in Tara

Tara keep me sane!
Quiet my addled brain,
Guard my steps,
Lest my vessel upsets,

Steady this wobbly boat
And keep it afloat,
Quell this agitated mind,
Prevent it from going blind,

Calm the stormy sea
For how else can I cross to freedom?
But if that’s not the way
Show me how amidst the surf to play!

Keep me in the center of the sea-lane
And protect me from any bane,
Let me not get confused
But see clearly how to navigate my course,

Although I get lost
May my vision penetrate the void,
If I should fall overboard,
May I learn how to dance on the ocean floor!

If my resolve falters,
May I find it even among the turbulent waters
But when the lake is calm
May I continue to sail on,

Never ceasing in my efforts,
Even when the rain lets up,
Preparing for the next challenge,
Not resting too long before striving more

And when again the clouds form,
May I be ready, not caught unawares,
Grateful for Tara’s support
And alert for what’s afoot.

Doings: Happiness Rising

Turning everything inside out
To find the source of the water course,
The goal so long sought
Turns out to be
Just another stew in the pot;

Not feeling so hot
Because the temperature’s up,
No party for me
Spring only brings on the heat,

Nevertheless, this will not defeat
The feeling of joy
That arises by itself,
Regardless of the predicament;

Like all else,
This happiness comes and goes,
The same as the seasons,
For no particular reasons

Or for some explanation
That maybe only the process knows
But declines to share,
Happiness doesn’t care

But that’s the point of it you see,
To be carefree!
Not concerned or restricted
And with nothing to lose or gain;

It’s completely untrainable
And like a zebra untamable,
Unruly and spontaneous,
Indifferent to the desires in us,

Coming and going,
Heedless of knowing,
Like the wind that’s blowing
Or the warm air flowing.

Doggedly: Applying Effort

Sleepiness overtakes
During meditation efforts
And turning towards this event,
Try to see what’s happening,

A curtain veils the senses
And the room backgrounds,
Fuzzy perceptions
And tingling abound,

Little reaction to sound,
Which merely bounces off,
Or drifts through or around
And disappears without visible effect;

Heat rises in the body
And lethargy oppresses,
Eyes opening brings up energy
But still the fog persists.

Wiggling the toes
And sitting up straight,
Barely penetrates the mist,
Fatigue envelops like dust.

Peering through the drowsiness,
Trying to see it clearly,
Mindfulness gradually increases
And an aircraft engine sounds in the distance.

Tuning into listening
Focuses the mind
And stimulates alertness
That shines through the darkness.

Eyes closed again,
Turning inward,
Feeling tranquility
And lightness.

Divinely: Delicious Impermanence

A radical change:
No cooking today!
As my mindfulness revealed
That I didn’t like it anyway;

Hence, I decided to infuse
Some new variety into my meals,
By making a salad
Instead of stewing the pot;

Using up left over greens,
Cabbage needed to be used
And so did the celery
And also the beet stems,

Plus a little red pepper
And a small tin of salmon,
Then to top it off,
Some mayo. and spicing;

At the end it looked enticing
And tasted so as well,
‘Twas a delightful way to go
And a welcome alteration;

Finished with
An orange half
And a blueberry muffin,
With ground peanuts only peanut butter;

Feeling rather full
From the generous repast
That wonderful satisfaction
That lasts and lasts.

Set off to work
With a smile,
Felt energetic enough
To walk ten miles.

Division: In Between

Can hardly wait
To shuffle home
Though no idea
Where the fire is.

What for this hankering
To get out of the place?
Can’t see anything wrong,
From whence comes the restlessness?

Agitation thrashes and complains,
My lower back pains,
Blood rushes through my veins
To my throbbing head;

Still I sit here
Doing my work,
Waiting patiently
For the climate to change

And presently,
Some softer frame of mind
Replaces the choppy one,
Though the pain remains.

Taking a short break,
I stretch out the kinks,
Then reseat myself
And continue refreshed.

Sloth and torpor banished,
Strength and energy return
And enable the effort,
Brightening the outlook.

Finally when ‘tis time to close up
Am feeling fine
And happy to have worked,
Another day of finding a way.

Divine: Tara

Catching me even when I fall,
That’s what Tara does,
Holding me up like a life preserver,
Though I float down Niagara Falls.

I don’t need a barrel
Or underwater gear,
As long as I’ve got Tara,
Guarding from the rear,

Her green always surrounds me,
Cushioning the ride,
Ensuring a regular course,
As through the water I slide.

No matter how much I falter,
I keep learning how to swim,
No matter how cold or turbulent the water,
I know that I will eventually win,

For Tara’s compassion flows all over,
Moderating the movement of the stream,
Keeping me above water,
Even when the darkness teems;

Although blackness lies below
The light above shines Tara green,
The fearless protector gently glows,
Comforting all who call her name.

So many times I’ve used that safety line
And always she answers,
In her way,
Whenever I ask for help

And then I feel supported
Even in the fiercest storms,
As no tempest saps her strength,
Nor obscures her brilliant light.

Distinguishing: Looking for a Way Out

How to summarize?
So many different lives;
Not literally true
But not false either;

The colours may change
But the themes are basically similar,
Luckily I keep forgetting
Or maybe that’s the problem?

Either way, tired of repeating
But haven’t stopped,
Wonder whether ever will,
Is it possible I don’t want to?

Perhaps one day will find out,
Meanwhile practice patience,
Watch and wait
And cook more stew,

Diligently keeping a look out,
Along with the laundry loads
And work outs,
Can’t let up my search,

Frustratingly close
But unattainable;
Playing the game
That it’s just around the corner;

If I don’t chase
It doesn’t run,
So have to catch a glance by accident
Or not at all.

Distinguishable: Seeing through the Rain

The rain keeps falling out there
And the birds are returning,
Spring is near,
It’s a sweet scent in the air.

Walking through the rain,
Watching the light through the gloom,
Inside is calm
And a little bit sleepy

But going to work anyway,
Which is okay.
It’s good to have a place to go
And things to do,

There’s a sense of importance,
Of usefulness,
Being part of
The workings of the city,

Like a wheel in
An old fashioned clock,
Running all together
And on time,

Humming along,
Without knowing it,
Each one doing its own thing
But each job connected to every other,

Across the cosmos,
From end to end
And back again,
Always attentive;

Following it’s own way
And yet not separate,
Not aware,
Yet fully conscious.

Distinguish: Hiding and Seeking

Hide and seek
See me—don’t see me
See me—don’t see
See me—don’t. . .

Until there’s only NOW
And all distinctions disappear
But then they all
Came back with a roar!

OUCH!!!
That hurt
When I fell down,
My world unraveled;

OH, what heaviness!
And up and down
I went
And still do

But next there was
The disappearance of
The distinction between
The distinctions and the not distinctions;

What am I?
That which does not know
What it is
And that’s the goal,

All sensations, feelings and thoughts
Point to it but they’re so diverting,
Which is why
It’s so difficult to see,

Although every one points to itself
We only know it
In relation to the others
And they are all not self.

Distinctness: Addled by a Change in Fortune

Feeling like a Picasso painting:
Arms and legs everywhere,
Nose, mouth, face
All over the place;

Fragmenting this way and that,
Shrapnel flying in every direction,
Moving so fast,
Change rushing past;

But all so unevenly,
One bit here,
Another bit there,
It’s so confusing,

Not sure which way to jump
Or whether to freeze,
Hopping forward a little one minute
And next holding fast against the breeze;

From no or few possibilities
To unbalancing overabundance,
Fearful alterations in fortune,
Unexpected and unprepared for;

Not long ago falling of a cliff,
Now climbing back up cautiously,
Testing every crack and crevice
Before putting hand or foot in it

And even then, standing in hesitation
Before daring to put any weight on,
Breathing in relief when
The support proves to be real

But then pausing and waiting
Before starting all over,
Still hesitant to take another step
Lest this tiny success turn out to be a dream,
And only after carefully deliberation, trying again.

Distinctive: Chaotic Absorption

Fascinated and mystified,
Equilibrium disrupted by
The manifested multifaceted vibrations,
Carried away by excitation and exultation.

Tumultuous rapids
Disturb and agitate,
Flow blasting through
And tempests soaking and roaring,

Caught on the deluge,
Tossed wildly about
Upon wave after wave,
Terrified of drowning in the storm,

Nevertheless, captivated by
The roiling, thrashing, foaming stream,
Swirling around rocks
And catapulting over waterfalls,

Mesmerized and frightened,
Delighted and repelled,
Pleased and hurt;
These expansions and contractions rock the spirit

So that nothing is certain,
No anchor holds,
No dam restrains the torrent,
Everything flying apart but all together,

All things flailing about
But inseparable,
Down the endless river,
Rushing and churning aimlessly,

Yet, all is play,
Even amidst the fierce cataracts,
The riotous waters are treacherous
But the river can frolic as well as demolishing,
Rejoicing in as well as rejecting and ejecting.

Distinctive: Soul-full Encounter

Pondering Alan Watts' words,
In, Out of Your Mind,
About Hindu beliefs
About the nature of life;

He reported that
They see us as all part
Of a self,
Non-dual and inclusive;

And so,
Every one and every thing
You see is really YOU
But only very cleverly disguised,

Thus, on my way to work,
I performed this thought experiment,
On what if this is so,
How would that be?

And in so doing found
I felt highly positively disposed
Towards every human being
On the street

And also to
All else that I could see
And hear, and feel
And experience in any way

But then, suddenly my concentration was broken
By the sight I next beheld,
For I spied a large furry critter
Feeding on local delicacies,

A raccoon perched atop a rubbish bin
Confronted me on my way in,
Barely pausing from chewing its repast,
Even when I called, “I hope you enjoy your meal!”
‘Ah, so!’ thought I, ‘perhaps it knows this secret too!’

Distinct: Food for Body and Mind

After the effort,
Some pain
And insomnia again,
Which made for a challenging day

But somehow found
The strength to get around,
To pick up some needed tax forms
And check out a new grocery store.

What a great pleasure
To be able to go out on such a sunny day
And find a grocer so close by,
With reasonable prices to pay;

Purchased some fruit
And could not stop
At one plum,
As the big red one tasted so good!

What a refreshing change,
From winter time fare,
A break from endless stew
Is in order soon.

And now don’t have to ration
As easily accessible portions
On sale just down the street
Whenever I crave a treat

Twill spare my aching arthritic feet
From the thirty minute treks
I’ve had to endure
For almost seven years;

And just in time to,
As this pain has been worsening
But hopefully only because
My circulation is improving
Due to the stretching exercises I’ve been doing.

Distilled: Doings

Reviewing the results
Of yesterday’s race,
Not one item on my list
Actually got done.

‘How odd,’ you might think
Albeit so much fun!
Now it’s time to get serious,
Or is that the problem?

To thoroughly do
What needs to be completed,
Now that’s an idea
For me to work with;

Yet, who is this, “me,”
Who is striving so diligently?
The answer eludes,
How does the question make sense?

Nonetheless I’m determined
To find a solution,
For enjoyment alone,
If nothing else;

And this seems to me
A most rational pursuit,
For why not be whole
If it’s possible to attain it?

Of course, entirety is already true
But the waters are muddy,
Dropping down into the dirt
And peering into the murk;

If this muck is me
There’s sure a lot to see,
Wiping my eyes,
I watch the sunrise,
Immersed in astonishment.

Distension: Expansion of Effort

Contemplating effort,
Feeling it’s lacking,
Need to take out the garbage
But I’d rather keep slacking,

Still, up popped the thought,
‘How do I do it?’
‘Why not do it thoroughly!’
Burst forth the reply.

‘Why, yes! Of course!
That’s it!’
As I threw off my track pants
And pulled on my trousers,

Vigorously grabbing the plastic bag,
Set off on my mission
And when I returned
The activity really burned;

‘Out with the vacuum!
Let the cleaning commence!’
Dust flying every-which-way
And attachments flapping,

Suctioned out the A/C grill
And washed the filter,
Emptied the dryer trap contraption
And dusted the dryer top

But catching sight of the clock,
Decided to exercise at once
And did so with gusto,
Then to the kitchen did romp,

Tearing through supper,
Movement a-blur,
Hastened to work as if chased by a bear,
Thinking, ‘from whence this fuel?’
And, ‘when will the fire cool?’

Dissension: Making up the Mind

Tonight’s repast,
A simple vegetarian stew,
Enough for one hungry
Or two on a diet;

Pondering deeply
Various questions,
Am I progressing?
Or just recycling?

Examining this wheel,
This repeating pattern,
Speculating upon
Where it’s going next.

Discouragingly predictable
From this perspective,
Whatever that may be,
Something negative I expect,

But here’s the quandary:
Where to go
And how to get there
Without replicating the cycle?

It’s so predictable
After a while
But, hey, maybe
That’s the way out,

Experimenting with different approaches,
Letting go, trying to change,
But not sure what’s appropriate
Or if it will work;

Oh well, got to get going,
Stop dithering and fiddling
And do some mindfulness,
Bringing kindness and awareness to it.

Dissemination: Snow Blow

Snow dancing
All the way home,
Shining flakes romancing
And playing in the night,

Irresistible to join in
And prance down the street,
Bathed in the white shower
That then crunches at my feet,

Ice crystals forming
All over my hat and coat,
Hugging lovingly
Refusing to let go,

Holding their shape
As long as they can,
Then melting and dripping
All over the pavement;

Little bits stick together,
Float and zoom on the wind,
Streaming down
Like icing sugar,

An energy jig,
Out there embracing
And feeling one with it,
Grinning and ogling with delight,

Merrily loping along,
Looking up at the flurry,
Walking through the slurry,
Rejoicing all the way home,

Shaking my hat and coat out
And hanging them by the door,
Removing caked boots
Before sashaying to the computer
To write this account.

Disseminate: Spreading Bliss

Rainy spring,
The birds are twittering,
Announcing the change
That nature’s arranged.

Out and about
To the farmer’s market,
Purchasing celery
And a bunch stemmed beets,

Back to the kitchen
To stow the load
And re-organize
The over-flowing cupboards,

Bringing joy
To menial tasks,
Skipping about
And chuckling aloud,

Constructive effort
Makes it easy,
What a simple
And amazing feat;

Discovering reality
Is really about bliss
And all effort does
Is put us in touch with this,

Repeating it again
Reinforces the lesson,
Though how long it takes
To sink in is uncertain,

But fun along the way
Is at least abundant,
As well as challenges
That make it difficult.

Disruptive: Faucet Fumble

So, this is what happened,
The usual chaos,
Getting out and shopping
Before the rain pours;

Making a list
And checking it,
Heading out the door
And saying, “see you later,” to the bears,

Easier walking now
With the snow gone,
No trouble along the way,
All going smoothly;

Quiet time afterwards,
Until found the faucet
Was leaking
And that nobody local has the part,

Looks like
Have to order it
From somewhere
Or buy a whole new sink!

Vastly annoying, I think,
As wide as the void
To which I turn
And look deeply into

But how does one stare
Into difficulty and despair
And see Nibbana
Even in there?

Or maybe that’s yet
Too challenging a puzzle
Or alternatively
Too straight forward.

Disruption: Stumbling Over the Stepping Stones of Change

A dizzy day,
Full of fumbles
Amid disconcerting fortune,
So long debated over,

Whether hope is worthwhile
Or all roads lead down
No matter how hard we try
Or how effort is directed;

Success is suspected
Based in interpretations
Of recollections
Of past experience;

So, where does one go
To find some steadiness?
Seemingly only within the flow,
Which is continuous.

How to see change
And not fear it,
Only viewing it as
A constant companion;

One always there
In the background,
Even when
We’re not peering at it.

Looking is scary
But eventually I suppose
The idea is
One gets used to it,

And then can repose
Even snooze in the chaos,
The endless stream
Of the restless river.

Dispel: Dropping the Weight

Events gearing up
To a fever pitch
But still took some time
To just sit,

Noticing the experience
Tuning in to sound,
How quiet it was!
What presence;

No need for effort
As the calm
Arose from the conditions,
Steady and peaceful;

Flickering thoughts
Flowed on through,
Unimpeded by clinging,
Easy going and true;

Spontaneous mindfulness,
Gentle awareness,
Time forgotten,
Here enough;

How else could it be?
When the universe
Is doing everything
And everything doing the universe

Or so it felt
On this occasion;
What a welcome respite
From the usual chaos

And yet even from this
All is really okay,
No need to change a thing,
Only my perspective.

Dislodged: Out-in-the-Air

Heading home again
After a busy night,
The clear sky full of stars
But nearly invisible in the city lights;

Out there is it any different?
I imagine floating through space
While walking at a regular pace,
Boots crunching on the snow and ice;

Still astonished by the events
Of recent days,
Waiting for it to sink in,
Meanwhile stumbling on.

Change is always happening
But sometimes we feel it more,
Not sure why that is
And too involved just now to consider it;

Maybe best to enjoy
The cool air while it lasts,
Making present moment
My priority,

Noticing each step
And being fully in it,
Descending into now,
Easing along with it,

Listening to the sounds
Of cars whooshing,
Human voices, barking dogs
And footsteps passing,

Finally reaching my door
And leaving the street behind,
Stowing my gear
And continuing to unwind.