Careless: Mind All Over the Place

I woke up feeling stressed about all I need to do, and having lots of diffuse aches and pains. I’ve been waking up too early every day lately, and it’s uncanny that every morning at around this time there’s always an ambulance or fire engine, or police siren. And so, the current pattern is that between my body, my mind, and the sirens, I finally give up on sleep, get out of bed, and make a cup of coffee. Then I have trouble deciding what to have for breakfast.

Today, I decided to do a mindfulness exercise and ask what that felt like. I felt tired and irritated that I’ve decided to reduce the strength of my coffee as I’m really attached to this stuff, but it makes me jittery. This seems foolish, given I know it’s a good thing, but it’s become such a ritual. I suppose I shall have to find another one to replace it. What does it do for me? It allows me to procrastinate mostly; so, doing a sitting in the morning strikes me as the most obvious alternative.

But I digress. Back to breakfast. There are two options basically. One is lighter, the other heavier, and it’s a cold day. More procrastination probably, and I suspect, a resistance to getting started. What does this resistance feel like?

And then it occurred to me to do my stretching exercises. More digression? I did them anyway, getting kind of bored towards the end. It’s beginning to look like I don’t want to know what anything feels like today. Oh well, so much for investigating what’s happening now. Maybe I just don’t want to be here. Ah, that’s probably it. Can I investigate that? Or is that too tedious, as well?

(Pauses to check. Sips coffee instead.) Hmm. The coffee tastes better all of a sudden. Earlier it tasted bland. I find it amazing how the same cup of coffee can taste differently on different days, and even the same cup on the same day. Oh, but I forgot, of course it’s never the same, and neither is this collection of sensations, feelings and thoughts, and whatever else that is drinking it, whatever it is. Or, maybe the instant coffee powder just sinks to the bottom; so, there’s more to taste as the water goes down.

It looks like I’m not keen to find out what’s going on here this morning. I guess this is an example of avoiding the present moment, but I suppose I need to get to know that too. What does this feel like? —Unpleasant, certainly.

Meanwhile, aha! –Soft boiled eggs and toast, definitely. Peace at last, at least temporarily!