Chiefly: Together*

Mindfulness of breathing
Carried over into my
Next activity:
Cooking supper.

As I prepared the meal
The rhythm of breathing
And activities
Moved together.

I could not tell how,
Or whether one
Regulated the other,
But they just synchronized.

This rhythm felt natural
And comfortable,
And as I continued to watch,
Actions matched breathing’s pace.

All movements flowed together:
Those of breathing,
And those of meal preparation,
In a Graceful,
Seamless,
Inseparable process.


*Today’s entry is the last one UNTIL May, as tomorrow I start an insight meditation course, and I really want to focus on that.

Thanks for reading!

Lee

Chatter: Plan Mode

Too much restlessness
Was how my meditation started;
At last I lay down
And gave up.

Later when I tried again
Surprise!
Calm returned, that is,
Until the planning began.

It’s remarkable
How often
I accomplish little
All day,

And then when I sit,
Suddenly,
There’s my to do list
Right before me.

One day I shall
Get this organized
So that my plans
Emerge when I’m available,

Or maybe that’s the trouble:
That my mediation
Makes me more accessible
And then the internal memos appear,

All at once
Everything suppressed
Arises,
And my tasks multiply,

Like carpet beetle eggs,
They hatch all over
When I forget to vacuum
For too long a time.

Chased: Air Flow

The air flows:
In
Out,
And mindfulness grows,

Sleep eludes me,
Frustration blows,
But I do my tasks,
And keep practicing.

Bad news keeps coming too,
But I tell myself
This is what
My practice is for,

It’s not just for sunny days
When all is going well,
But for days when I feel
As if I dwell at the bottom of a well.

The mud is thick
And my legs are stuck,
It pulls me down
But I fear not the muck.

In a day or two
My new mediation course will start,
And then we’ll see
If I still have heart.

Through the murky water
It’s hard to see
Where I am going
Or what I can be.

Will I be able to continue
On this difficult trip?
Can I float to the surface?
Or, will I merely further slip?

Chase: Now Uncovered

Last night the demons loosed,
As voices and images
Of people past and present
Swarmed overwhelmingly.

I tried friendliness,
To good affect but not enough.
Hence, I called upon every Buddha
I could think of,

And when I ran out of names,
Upon all the Buddhas
Whose names I do not know,
To protect me.

Confidence arose,
And stillness,
Back to the breathing,
Attention fixed on the nostrils.

Two sittings later,
Mostly breathing
And the effect is amazing,
Getting so close to now.

Sleeping badly again,
But less energy for
Restlessness and the continuous flow
Of random thoughts.

Determined and motivated
Not to let anything
Get between me and here,
The goal is so clear.

The demons are quiescent now,
Perhaps afraid;
I might make it this time
To wherever I’m going.

Charting: Exploring “Here”

Another choppy day;
No peace, no stillness
That I could see;
The flow passes on

Out of control
Mind meanders,
Must be
A valley low.

The creek bed shows
Choked in reeds
And debris;
Water stagnates

Seeping so slowly
But all over,
No energy here
Only restless, impatient lethargy,

Directionless
But creeping along
All ways,
Tedious yet erratic,

A familiar pattern repeating,
Or instability?
No anchor either way,
And breathing provided no harbour.

Mind randomly rambles,
Eluding the grappling hook,
Which, having missed its target
Falls into the grimy water.

Frustration sets in,
And the sitting stalls;
Progress yesterday
Irritable confusion today;
And so, “here” is the only reliable continuity.

Chart: Plotting Progress

Finally sleep improved
But fatigue and pain worsened;
So, it’s back to
More medication again.

Nevertheless,
Meditation progress continues.
Pain in the background
I could allow to remain,

Breath in the foreground,
Anchored and lightened my way;
Strong emotions and thoughts
Did not unseat me,

Sadness came,
But when closely I gazed,
To my surprise,
Empathy filled the centre,

Compassion towards frustration and irritability,
Over the painful instability
Necessitating so much effort,
And creating such disability.

But my ability
To live peacefully
With this difficulty
Increases daily,

As my meditation skill develops
My awareness enlarges,
So that even when agitation arises
My patience also rises
And my effort grows.

Charge: Full Forward

Sleep eludes me
As I wake up early,
But time’s not wasted
As I meditate more.

Three times yesterday,
And twice so far today
I’ve hit the cushion,
And seemed to be well paid.

The same pain
Requires less medication
And less rest;
It’s a remarkable transformation.

Who can say, however,
Whether this is long term
Or merely a coincidental
Splash in the pond.

What ripples may arise
From these results?
Temporary success?
Or, enduring improvement?

Whatever may come,
I’m sailing along,
With the wind and waves,
Charging through my days.

It’s too soon to tell
Where I may be headed,
Whether to an abiding haven
Or an unhappy typhoon of woe;

I won’t know until
I’m arriving
At the next port
Of this striving towards freedom.

Channel: Another Way Through

Doubt still lingers,
But in the dark
These little fireflies
Keep dancing before my eyes,

Nuggets of wisdom
From teachings I read or hear
Continuously appear,
Concise but attention grabbing,

Tiny but profound,
Only here and there
But everywhere I look,
They stop me every time.

I want to quit
But these miniscule hints
Prevent me
From completely giving up.

I always return
With fascination
To the words of the wise,
That resonate unexpectedly;

Their insights surprise;
Their presence,
The very essence
Expressed in human voice.

Changeable: From Doubt to Present

Wrestling with doubt,
Bemoaning years missed out;
Thinking, ‘I can never catch up;
I might as well give up.’

Then it occurred to me,
None of this matters,
As there’s only now
And in now, change is happening.

In this moment
There are infinite possibilities,
Endless potential,
Boundless choice.

Every moment of attention
Brings opportunity for action,
Every alteration in action
Results in a shift in the outcome.

Every adjustment to the outcome
Creates new possibilities
For new action,
And new outcomes.

If all I do is
Pay attention to
These sensations, feelings, and thoughts,
And let them pass through,

Every time I stop clinging
To these processes;
This alone frees me from
The old patterns;

It loosens their hold,
A new future unfolds,
And fresh opportunities
Are revealed.

Change: Pain Stopper

A different tack:
10 minutes breathing,
15 looking at,
And investigating what came up.

I found pain
In my upper back,
But when I looked
It retreated, discomfort unpacked.

All kinds of emotions
Came up in its place,
Ancient hatreds let go,
Old memories displaced.

When I watched this unfolding
Of feelings and thoughts,
Astonishment, wonder, surprise arose
As they flitted before my eyes.

I never knew that focusing on pain
Would bring up such an array,
A seemingly unrelated display
That brought relief from the play.

But the thoughts were much harder
Than the pain that departed;
The discomfort had masked
Views and passions from the past;

Products of days
When rejections were body-related,
The body responded
By contracting and aching.

Who wouldn’t fall to complaining
When such rebuffs are proffered?
But now the cause released,
And the suffering temporarily ceased.

Certainly: Rage Dissipation

In a roaring mood
I let go,
Rage swept through
And left no tracks.

To my surprise,
I could not find it
When it went.
Where did it go?

I walked down the street
In relative peace,
Compared to the anger
That had ceased.

I could not see
Where it fled,
Amazement followed
At this development.

So many times
I’ve stuffed fury,
Only to have
It surge up in a hurry.

But when I gave in
To this fierce wind,
It only blew thin air,
As if barely there.

Not a hair was stirred,
Not a harsh word heard,
No crockery smashed,
No walls bashed.

All stilled,
No ill willed,
Quiet reigned,
No one got blamed,
Quenched was the flame.

Certain: What I Don’t Like

When I really don’t like something,
I tend to try to deny it,
Because it hurts!
But in light of today’s events,

At least for today,
When I don’t like something,
I want to be here
Even for that!

When I don’t like what I get,
I want to know
That I don’t like it
When I don’t like it.

I want to feel
What it’s like
To loathe, and to
Get to know my loathing thoroughly!

Even if I don’t like
What’s here,
I want to experience
That too!

And anyway,
What else is there
To being here,
Except knowing?

After that, who knows?
So, I might as well
Know now,
Even if I don’t like
What I know.

Centripetal: Where Mind Meets Mind?

Emptiness is obvious today:
I looked from whence
My thoughts arose
And found now.

How did this happen?
I slept badly,
Waking often
Frustration set in,

Angry thoughts,
Impatient thoughts,
Negative thoughts
Is this how I want to think?

All this mind examining
Leads me to wonder if
This thought machine
Needs a spring clean.

How appropriate,
In this season
To dust, sift through,
And re-order the contents.

Not that thinking
Is the enemy;
Only clinging
Gets me suffering,

But what if I stop thinking,
And see what’s there?
It can be scary, exploring,
Places neglected for some time.

I can’t say what I see,
But as thoughts come from now,
I expect I ought to
Re-familiarize myself
With this locale.

Centre: Landing Pad

Another gloomy episode,
But after I made tea
It seemed as if,
As I gazed into the liquid
It smiled back at me.

‘What is this nonsense?’
I demanded,
‘Have I finally lost my mind?’
Or, is this reality’s handshake?’

Then I saw Buddha
In my mind’s eye,
Radiant and smiling,
And everything gleamed.

I relaxed into my surroundings,
Gained support from my setting;
It felt good to have friends
And I was shored up by them.

Immersed in soft light
Bourne up by air,
I stood breathing
In the midst of despair,

Glowing like a meteor
Burning up hurt
With a taste like BBQ flavoured potato chips
Burning in my mouth.

But I felt believed in
From somewhere out there,
The outside held the inside,
And the inside cleared.

Pressure and weight waned,
The scalding feeling in my chest decreased,
I made supper,
And gratefully sat down to eat.

Cell: Abysmal Mission

Doubt rout
Indecision spin
Unsure reigns
Despair wins

Wobbly mind
Frozen in confusion
Ambivalence rules
Ambiguity pains

Oh, sun!
Hide your brightness,
It only highlights
The depth of my suspicion;

Overcast would better suit
My disadvantaged position;
Then, at least I could hide
From the tyranny of this irresolution.

Investigating uncertainty’s
Not where I want to go,
Nor exploring the gloom,
But that’s where I am.

Poking into corners,
Observing what’s present,
Noticing what’s happening,
Although I’d prefer not.

Getting to know
What doubt is made of,
A task from which I flinch,
First I rally; then I cringe.

Progress? What’s that?
Here, in this moment,
I’m afraid to look,
But until I do,
I can’t go any further.

Cede: Mostly Under Water

Another rugged mediation,
Another silly recitation,
It’s really only reiteration
And yet, everything changes,

Or so I’ve heard,
Like the call of some mysterious bird,
Which normally I would call absurd,
And then the unsolved thought flies away.

And so, onward the dharma warrior went,
Even though all tears were spent,
And all rages already rent the pillows
And punched the wall.

If I had halls I’d deck them too,
But not with decorations,
I’d just deck them
And watch them fall!

It’s no fun either
But it’s reruns anyway,
Or so I noted.
‘I’ve seen this one before,

And that one too!’
And each time I recognized
One of these abysmal patterns
Strolling through, I laughed.

‘I know you!
I’ve done this before,
Haven’t I!’
I giggled madly.

It’s crazy me again,
But in the opposite way,
Previously I was mad happily,
But now I’m miserably so,
Where to now? —I do not know.

Ceaseless: Continuous Exertion

Mind full of hesitation,
I dreaded this day’s meditation,
Because of doubts about my destination,
Arising from constrictions in my situation.

Feeling thwarted over an opportunity aborted,
I resorted to procrastination and rumination,
My doubts about my future path
Delaying many decisions.

So deeply penetrated this arrow incision
That all my actions lacked precision,
Feeling put down and fearing further depreciation,
I withdrew to consider my position.

When finally I sat, the struggle was on
As emotions erupted and bubbled,
No easy way through
This tumultuous session,

Which finally I could only take
Lying down, but even then,
Mind chatter clattered,
Battered and spattered.

Insistent, noisy thoughts
Threatened to overwhelm
In spots,
With few breaks in between.

Finally, a negative evaluation surfaced
And I thought, ‘no wonder I was reluctant;
If this is the reception;
The last thing I need is more rejection!’

But I refused to heed these careless thoughts,
Otherwise they'd have sabotaged my practice,
My principal anchor amidst this ruckus;
Instead I counteracted this reaction
By softening my gaze towards this dissatisfaction.

Cavalcade: Tracking

My meditation began
With, ‘Every breath is
My first breath,’
And powerful images arose,

Memories of stories of
The occasion of my birth,
When I took my first breath,
Imagine that!

Upon that I did reflect,
And then sadness emerged,
About all the breaths
I have missed.

There have been so many
Lost breaths
When I was not present,
Forgotten inhalations and exhalations.

But how sentimental
And how foolish,
Getting drawn into such reflections,
Only to miss out on now too!

I do it anyway, however,
All the time;
It’s such a habit,
To grab at it,

And the thing to do,
The action to take,
Is simply to notice
And investigate.

What intensity!
What strength!
How awesome,
How often such thoughts
Pull the mind off track.

Cautious: Pain Break

A wonderful sitting
Or so it began,
I centered in the body
I rested in my frame.

Boundaries dropped away
Between me and the room,
Everything was sensation
A tactile playground.

Then, pain in the upper back
Bit like a pit bull
That was looking for game
And finding it grabbed, OW!

But in spite of this predicament
I tried a new experiment:
I extended my sitting
To 45 minutes.

I waited and watched
As the pain grew,
But in minute 40
It seemed a fuse blew.

The pain diminished,
Very suddenly it eased,
And in such relief
I sat through without grief.

I know I can’t count on
A repeat of this feat,
But it was quite interesting
To see how quickly pain could flee,
Simply standing up to it
I can sometimes break free.

Caution: Where to Next?

Another day,
Another lie down meditation,
But not so peaceful as before,
As the mind was stirring.

Filled to the brim
My thoughts overflowed,
With feelings on feelings,
And chest contraction.

Afterwards, more pain arose,
And this contrast felt most unpleasant.
Oh well, onward to
The next port of call.

The ship set sail again,
I cooked supper once more,
And prepared for the late shift;
Off I go.

And yet I found something
I had missed,
But I can’t quite
Put it into words,
Which may be the best discovery of all.