*Experience: Dispassion

Working with dispassion,
Standing back
And letting go of passion,
Steady and strong,

Reflecting on
What it means,
What consequences or results
Will arise from this approach,

Uncertainty and doubt
About what
It’s all
About;

Noticing a certain hardness,
A kind of coldness even,
Not quite indifference,
Nay, in fact, there’s compassion in it!

Nevertheless, a lack of involvement
In what’s going on is perceptible,
Not minding what’s what,
Simply noting with equanimity

But ‘what?’ I then ask,
‘Is the value of this?
Who does it serve?
What does this accomplish?’
Not sure about that yet.




*And now, I’m off on another meditation course.

I hope to be back in March.

Thanks for reading!

Lee

Expeditious: Thorough Investigation

A thousand ideas
Speed through the mind,
Seething with enthusiasm
For this notion or that,

Imaginary arguments
With remembered acquaintances,
Writing dialogue
In my head,

Pleasantly energizing,
Very diverting
But from what?
I stop to consider

But find only
A pleasant feeling,
An enjoyable fabrication,
Experienced in the body

And as this settles,
A tension is revealed
In the center
Of the chest,

A twinge of pain,
Of Fibromyalgia,
Ah! And so,
A possible reason for distracting,

A felt need
To get away
Or to create a distance
And some happiness,

By getting engaged
In a flow of ideas
And fantasy conversation
To bring some relief.

Expedition: Traversing the Rutted Road

Now, if only
I could ascertain
What I need to do
To arouse and maintain
Stillness and stability,

What would happen then?
What would be the next step?
Or would there be one?
Would that just be the end?

Or would there be
Some other end
That would arise eventually,
Upon the attainment of such-and-such?

Sometimes, I think
I would really rather
Stay home
And write poetry

But if I did that
Would I truly do that?
Or is it this situation
This unhappy circumstance

Itself a product of
Other conditions,
That keeps the fingers
Rolling over the keys?

It’s a recurring theme,
I know,
One which
Will one day be replaced,

But by what, I wonder,
What conditions would erupt next,
If I ever had the opportunity
To follow this or that dream?

Expedite: Reaching

If only I could gain mastery
Over the periodically arising
Stillness and steadiness
That now only comes and goes,

What would that be like?
How could it be done
If it could be done?
Could it ever be done?

Sometimes,
I think that maybe
It’s impossible
To do that;

And sometimes
When I think that,
I feel sad
But at other times relief follows,

There is a relaxation
That comes
From giving up
That feels like a sort of realization,

Indeed, I’ve heard it said
That this is what
Realization
Is really about,

That having failed
To achieve his goal,
In spite of his Herculean efforts,
The Buddha-to-be gave up

And that
Through this action
Came to realize
What he then needed to do.

Expedient: Equanimity

Every now and then
Emerges the feeling
That
There’s no need to do anything,
No need to not do anything,

No need to try,
No need to refrain from trying,
No need to need,
No need to refrain from seeking satisfaction of needs;

Not sure why this feeling arises
Or from where
Or where it goes
When it goes,

All I know is
That these moments
Are accompanied by stillness
And stability of mind,

Although it often seems
These precious interludes
Arise only
After great struggles;

But of course
That may be
Only as it seems,
Not as it is,

Notwithstanding all of that,
How lovely
It is
When it is thus.

Expediency: Something Else

And then,
It hit me,
A possible way
To stay
Exactly where I am,

A potential method
For making this waiting game bearable,
Until such a time
As something else comes along

And so, I searched online,
Until I found,
A laptop I could afford
That I could use anywhere

And then, I bought it
And took it home
And began
To learn how to use it

And that very evening
Began to feel better,
Having accomplished
This goal;

But, as for
The long-term results,
That will have to wait
For the trial and error,

Maybe this
Will keep me going
For an interval
Or even lead to something substantial.

Although it made me smile,
I won’t know for a while
What will become
Of this latest escape attempt.

Expected: Searching For an Exit

Is it time to quit?
To move on or just leave;
Fifteen minutes to go,
Until the end of my shift;

I promised myself
I’d stay on another year,
At least until April,
Before deciding whether to exit,

To depart from these premises
And never look back,
‘Is that going to happen?’
I keep asking.

And then, where to?
Just early retirement, perhaps?
And writing every day?
But more substantially?

Could I do this financially?
Is it sustainable?
These questions have been repeated
So often over these past three years;

The economy is not so good
And there are few other jobs out there
And so, it’s not the best of times
To be thinking of packing up,

Unless I’m planning on
A permanent leave;
But some days I’m so fed up,
I think no one knows how much!

I‘d like to check out
Of this cheap hotel now,
While there’s still
Some sanity left to me.
But, . . . there’s always this, ‘but.’

Expectations: Looking Forward to What?

Looking for new opportunities
But not sure where to go,
Veering away from the fanciful
Toward the practical;

And yet, never ceasing to dream,
Resting in the stream,
Like a fish waiting for prey
To snap up as they float by,

Vigilant and eager
For some clue
About what direction
I should take,

Not wanting to grab on
To any old way,
Enjoying freedom from involvement
Too much to get engaged;

Nevertheless, on the look out
For the next project,
Perhaps out of habit,
Not used to such a prolonged slow-down,

I notice how I rush,
Even though I don’t need to,
Accustomed to busyness,
Not used to sitting so much,

Wanting to get going,
One minute
And appreciating the scenery
The next,

Not knowing what’s next,
Dithering and wobbling
All over
And back again.

Expectation: Uncovering Suffering

Music playing
In my head,
Brass horn melody incidental music
From an old TV show;

I’ve been watching
Reruns again,
As it’s all I have
Since digital took over,

My old TV’s too old for that
And my budget tight
And so, I’ve been doing without,
For the first time in a long while;

I never imagined
When I was growing up
That there would come a day
When I’d have to give it up,

It’s a funny feeling,
As I’d gotten so used to it
And another reminder
Of inconstancy;

These expectations come from somewhere
And we don’t even
Know about them,
Until something or someone is gone;

And then, all at once
We realize:
There goes another something or someone
That we had been counting upon;

Without realizing it,
We had gotten attached
And now suffer a loss
Or a betrayal of trust
But either way, that’s the end of that.

Exotic: Joyful Stewing

Watching the icy rain
Pelt down again and again,
Strange weather,
Hardly winter at all,

Then turning away,
Back towards the chill inside,
Running low on fuel,
Lethargy has set in,

Reluctant to move
And yet, no trouble
Getting supper going,
Hot stew feels good,

Even when it’s reheated,
Warming the body
And cheering the heart
From the inside out;

So many years it took,
To learn how to cook
So well
Or, at least, to suit me,

Wondering for how much longer
I’ll get to do it
And whether I’ll miss it
When I can’t,

For sometimes it’s a chore
But then I remind myself
How it’s actually
A privilege

And this arouses joy,
Which goes into the pot
Along with the vegetables
That I have chopped.

Exorbitance: Overabundant Energy

I’m on
A marathon run,
Up to
My next meditation course,

Not sure
What I’m doing,
Or why
Or what it’s for,

I feel so rushed
But for what reason?
What’s the hurry?
Or is it just for fun?

It’s so invigorating!
To be in pursuit
Of a goal
And well on my way,

It’s one of life’s pleasures
To be up against a deadline
And yet,
There’s a stress in there too.

Is there a balance,
An in between?
Or is it best
To simply adjust,

To embrace the race,
While it lasts
And rest
When the opportunity arises,

There are, of course
Different opinions
On which way is preferred;
I won’t take sides, however
But only explore each way instead.

Exhortation: Grandma’s Suggestion

Things have gotten slow,
Humdrum
And ho hum,
Not much happening,

Life seems repetitive,
Although,
It’s not necessarily
Unpleasant;

As my Maternal Grandmother once said,
On one of those occasions
When I complained
Of being bored:

“One day,
You’ll be
Grateful
For boredom.”

Back then,
When she made this observation,
I was unconvinced
And mystified,

But now I think
I understand her position
That there comes a time
When this feels right,

Once one has tried
It all
Or at least
As much as one can do for now

And is feeling exhausted,
Has run out of fresh ideas
Or even those that arise
Seem impossible to pursue,
Then boredom will do.

Exhort: Redirectng Energy

Agitation, frustration,
Have me in their grip,
Beside myself,
Deciding what to do,

Finally resorting
To an old trick,
Used to be,
I’d pour it into activity,

Now instead,
I take hold
Of this energy
And redirect it differently,

Steering the ire
Towards stabilizing mind and body,
Breathing in steadying body and mind,
Breathing out steadying body and mind,

Filling the lungs softly
And then, expelling tension and distress,
Evenly, dispassionately,
Leveling the fluctuations,

Mastering the passions
By persistent actions,
Then repeating metta phrases,
To compose and refresh,

Reducing stress,
Alleviating suffering,
Consistently buffering
The buffeting,

As wave after wave
Of irritation passes through,
Continuing to labour
As long as is necessary
To gain stability.

Exhilaration: Extraordinary

Another year,
Has come to an end,
And the next one
Has just begun

But what’s happening?
The scratching of my pen
And a mind racing
As it often does

But just as frequently
The mind rests,
Appreciating what is,
From the simple to the complex,

Boiling water for tea,
Putting ice cubes in
To cool it to taste
And because of haste,

How marvelous
To be able
To do both,
What a luxury!

It’s these basic luxuries
That never cease to impress,
Like getting up
And getting dressed;

Eating and breathing
Amaze me regularly
And how life IS
And wondering what it is.

These wonders
Fascinate and activate my mind,
Every time
I consider them.