Galvanize: Metta Renewal

But then now
I return to metta,
But metta
Of a different sort

I intone:
"May I be free
From
Greed and distress towards the world."

And for a while
At least,
Am a diner at a feast
Of tranquility and equanimity

Every time I stray
From the thought for the day,
I bring my mind back
To these eleven words

These thirteen precious syllables
That quiet my thirst,
That burst the bloated bubble
Of the self-centered trouble

Not egolessness
But restraint,
Lacking the taint
Of the defiled world

No smell of rot,
No desperate clawing fingers
Scratching the bottom
Of the empty pot

The din of desires
is silent for a jot;
The difference is:  quite a lot!
And I continue to practice diligently
With it all day long

Clamour: Mind Flutter

Pain, loss, grief,
Commentary and reaction,
Judging and rage,
Don’t like this page.

Expanded attention
To let be what be,
Letting inside be
And outside be.

But the arrows
Kept flying,
And discouragement
Dropped by for a visit,

Yet felt good
About facing this onslaught,
Really being there
For this projectile barrage,

Self-consciousness,
Irritability,
Rumination and worry,
Struggling to include it,

Frenetic energy overflowed
Into compulsive thinking,
Then converted to
Walking and stretching,

Working with agitation,
Containing it,
Being it,
Waiting for it to go,

Besieged by longing
For a slow down,
Yearning towards ease,
But chaotic mind,
Not easily appeased.

Civilize: Thinking the Unknown

Thinking, ‘this is unknown.’ Thinking, ‘the unknown is somehow dangerous.’ This is thinking. Recognize, accept, investigate, non-identification, fold it into practice. I did not always think this way. I thought I knew what I was supposed to do. Now I know better; now I ‘don’t know’ better (accept not knowing better than before).
Perhaps practice is not about knowing but about how to ‘don’t know’ better. Once upon a time, I had no trouble at all not knowing. Then for some reason I got the idea that knowing was the thing to have confidence in, that knowledge was the place to anchor myself. But what is knowledge? What is knowing?

Maybe it’s good to know certain methods, certain techniques, but at the end of the day, there’s just this moment. Ironically, that’s how I lived in the first place; that was how it was early on. I was taught something else that was only half of it. I took this half for the whole and abandoned, forgot the other half.

I was persuaded that this other half was dangerous, unsafe, but it’s merely the other half. This perpetual contraction is learned, required effort. It’s something I learned how to do. Thus, all I am learning is balance between the innate (what I came with) and what I have learned, between instinct and rules/philosophy/structure/ culture/order, between chaos and order; bringing chaos to my order and order to my chaos. Life is a mixture, a blending, a continuous, unified whole.

Civilization: Know-where

Thinking,
Ruminating—Stopped
And noticed:
Mindfulness of thinking.

Every time
I stop and notice
Is helpful
And skillful.

It doesn’t matter
When it happens
Or how long in between,
It’s still beneficial.

Whether I be
Caught in
Craving or aversion
Every return is important,

Being found
After getting lost
In the deep end
Is valuable, educational,

Learning how to
Find my way back,
As significant as
Being here,

Missing now,
Not knowing it,
Is what I need to
Know it,

I have to know
Before I can forget,
And forget
In order to know:
This is the great mystery.

Civil: Breakfast Notes

Horrible depression,
Inertia,
Aching,
Discouragement
And despair.

What am I supposed
To do with this?
How do I practice
With such anguish
And difficulty?

I decided to
Practice the practice of
Keep moving,
Keep trying to do,
While being open,

To be present for
These states,
This situation,
This particular set
Of conditions.

But then I lay down
What is that?
I wrote this,
I started thinking,
I lay down,

I thought some more,
Then I got up again,
felt better,
And wrote again
Of what happened next.

Now what?
Eat my oatmeal, I guess,
And try to be present
For that too.

Circumstances: Pain Flow

Pain in the body,
But brought spaciousness
Of attention to it,
And felt quite comfortable,

Including everything
In my view
Filled my screen
Making pain a tiny fragment,

A seemingly irrelevant
Bit of fluff
That barely registered,
Hardly perceived.

Then, back to the body,
noticed pain in chest and back,
Looked for resistance,
But none appeared,

The discomfort
Held in acceptance
Flowed through
Without opposition,

No need for suppression
Or escape,
Simply sitting
And letting all be as is.

After that lost in thought,
For a time,
All things forgot
By the wandering mind,

Then came back to
The breath for
The last few minutes,
To hear the bell resound
And this meditation was finished.

Circumspect: Wake up Call

Noticed muscle tension,
But refrained from intervening,
Instead stayed with the tightness
Then relaxed a little

Observed relaxation,
Returned to the breathing,
Switched back to the body,
Thoughts took me away.

When I came back
Tension had re-emerged,
Was it the thought surge?
Do I have to tighten to think?

Why does concentration
Require strain?
Surely there’s nothing
To gain by such pressure.

From there drowsiness ensued
And a desire to lie down
‘Shall I lie down?’
‘No, I shall attend.’

What is it like
To sink into this tiredness?
I held it in awareness
And waited,

But just then
My timer
Bell signaled
The end of this session.

Time to get up!
Served as
A reminder
Of the present.

Circumscribed: The Drive Home

A colleague
Gave me a ride
Home from work
One night.

Exhausted
From sleeping badly lately,
Aching, sciatica
And back pain,

Feeling alienated,
Separate,
Cut off from
Everything,

Told myself to
Look at this
And see
What it was like,

To just
Be with this,
See if I
Could accept,

This misery
And blindness,
Being with this,
And I did.

Present for
Entanglement,
The illusion of
A disconnect,

But connected
With this experience,
Open to the moment
Such as it was:
Unpleasant yet remarkable.

Circuitous Recipe: Well Cooked

Being present for
Everything present,
Then attention to
The body.

Strong emotions
Agitating thoughts,
Like the stirring of ingredients
In a mixing bowl.

Rough day
All whipped up,
But rested in acceptance of
The way things were.

Such a struggle,
Up and down,
Layers of acceptance
And resistance,

Passing through them,
Alternating light and dark
Like a multi-layer cake
Baking in the oven,

So hot,
So energetic,
But expanding slowly
In a stately fashion.

No frosting here,
Just plain and simple,
One layer at a time
Happening all at once.

Awareness floats through it
Level by level,
Then the meditation is done,
And the results are left to cool
Until the next sitting.

Circle: Back to Back

When I signed up for the meditation course for the first time, I knew that, in a way I was reaching out from my ‘mountain hermitage,’ like a wounded bear that had retreated to the den to recover. I am not sure what I wanted or expected, but that teacher sure shook the mountain. Nevertheless, after careful consideration, I decided to come back for a second round, and I was not disappointed. This sort of thing may not be for everyone, however, so I caution my readers—take care, before you embark on this journey.

Be sure you have your safety straps well fastened before you go. I had few moorings to hold me, and I practically fell off the mountain myself, but I still think the time was right; I’d waited as long as I could, and best of all felt as if I had no place else to go, which is the only reason I can think of why I would have gotten into this. For, as I explained in the first place—I was merely looking for a way to get through the day without screaming. Now I think screaming can be good sometimes; it can even be productive, if you are paying attention, and even if you’re not. That is the paradox of practice.

Chiefly: Together*

Mindfulness of breathing
Carried over into my
Next activity:
Cooking supper.

As I prepared the meal
The rhythm of breathing
And activities
Moved together.

I could not tell how,
Or whether one
Regulated the other,
But they just synchronized.

This rhythm felt natural
And comfortable,
And as I continued to watch,
Actions matched breathing’s pace.

All movements flowed together:
Those of breathing,
And those of meal preparation,
In a Graceful,
Seamless,
Inseparable process.


*Today’s entry is the last one UNTIL May, as tomorrow I start an insight meditation course, and I really want to focus on that.

Thanks for reading!

Lee

Chatter: Plan Mode

Too much restlessness
Was how my meditation started;
At last I lay down
And gave up.

Later when I tried again
Surprise!
Calm returned, that is,
Until the planning began.

It’s remarkable
How often
I accomplish little
All day,

And then when I sit,
Suddenly,
There’s my to do list
Right before me.

One day I shall
Get this organized
So that my plans
Emerge when I’m available,

Or maybe that’s the trouble:
That my mediation
Makes me more accessible
And then the internal memos appear,

All at once
Everything suppressed
Arises,
And my tasks multiply,

Like carpet beetle eggs,
They hatch all over
When I forget to vacuum
For too long a time.

Chased: Air Flow

The air flows:
In
Out,
And mindfulness grows,

Sleep eludes me,
Frustration blows,
But I do my tasks,
And keep practicing.

Bad news keeps coming too,
But I tell myself
This is what
My practice is for,

It’s not just for sunny days
When all is going well,
But for days when I feel
As if I dwell at the bottom of a well.

The mud is thick
And my legs are stuck,
It pulls me down
But I fear not the muck.

In a day or two
My new mediation course will start,
And then we’ll see
If I still have heart.

Through the murky water
It’s hard to see
Where I am going
Or what I can be.

Will I be able to continue
On this difficult trip?
Can I float to the surface?
Or, will I merely further slip?

Chase: Now Uncovered

Last night the demons loosed,
As voices and images
Of people past and present
Swarmed overwhelmingly.

I tried friendliness,
To good affect but not enough.
Hence, I called upon every Buddha
I could think of,

And when I ran out of names,
Upon all the Buddhas
Whose names I do not know,
To protect me.

Confidence arose,
And stillness,
Back to the breathing,
Attention fixed on the nostrils.

Two sittings later,
Mostly breathing
And the effect is amazing,
Getting so close to now.

Sleeping badly again,
But less energy for
Restlessness and the continuous flow
Of random thoughts.

Determined and motivated
Not to let anything
Get between me and here,
The goal is so clear.

The demons are quiescent now,
Perhaps afraid;
I might make it this time
To wherever I’m going.

Charting: Exploring “Here”

Another choppy day;
No peace, no stillness
That I could see;
The flow passes on

Out of control
Mind meanders,
Must be
A valley low.

The creek bed shows
Choked in reeds
And debris;
Water stagnates

Seeping so slowly
But all over,
No energy here
Only restless, impatient lethargy,

Directionless
But creeping along
All ways,
Tedious yet erratic,

A familiar pattern repeating,
Or instability?
No anchor either way,
And breathing provided no harbour.

Mind randomly rambles,
Eluding the grappling hook,
Which, having missed its target
Falls into the grimy water.

Frustration sets in,
And the sitting stalls;
Progress yesterday
Irritable confusion today;
And so, “here” is the only reliable continuity.

Chart: Plotting Progress

Finally sleep improved
But fatigue and pain worsened;
So, it’s back to
More medication again.

Nevertheless,
Meditation progress continues.
Pain in the background
I could allow to remain,

Breath in the foreground,
Anchored and lightened my way;
Strong emotions and thoughts
Did not unseat me,

Sadness came,
But when closely I gazed,
To my surprise,
Empathy filled the centre,

Compassion towards frustration and irritability,
Over the painful instability
Necessitating so much effort,
And creating such disability.

But my ability
To live peacefully
With this difficulty
Increases daily,

As my meditation skill develops
My awareness enlarges,
So that even when agitation arises
My patience also rises
And my effort grows.

Charge: Full Forward

Sleep eludes me
As I wake up early,
But time’s not wasted
As I meditate more.

Three times yesterday,
And twice so far today
I’ve hit the cushion,
And seemed to be well paid.

The same pain
Requires less medication
And less rest;
It’s a remarkable transformation.

Who can say, however,
Whether this is long term
Or merely a coincidental
Splash in the pond.

What ripples may arise
From these results?
Temporary success?
Or, enduring improvement?

Whatever may come,
I’m sailing along,
With the wind and waves,
Charging through my days.

It’s too soon to tell
Where I may be headed,
Whether to an abiding haven
Or an unhappy typhoon of woe;

I won’t know until
I’m arriving
At the next port
Of this striving towards freedom.

Changeable: From Doubt to Present

Wrestling with doubt,
Bemoaning years missed out;
Thinking, ‘I can never catch up;
I might as well give up.’

Then it occurred to me,
None of this matters,
As there’s only now
And in now, change is happening.

In this moment
There are infinite possibilities,
Endless potential,
Boundless choice.

Every moment of attention
Brings opportunity for action,
Every alteration in action
Results in a shift in the outcome.

Every adjustment to the outcome
Creates new possibilities
For new action,
And new outcomes.

If all I do is
Pay attention to
These sensations, feelings, and thoughts,
And let them pass through,

Every time I stop clinging
To these processes;
This alone frees me from
The old patterns;

It loosens their hold,
A new future unfolds,
And fresh opportunities
Are revealed.

Change: Pain Stopper

A different tack:
10 minutes breathing,
15 looking at,
And investigating what came up.

I found pain
In my upper back,
But when I looked
It retreated, discomfort unpacked.

All kinds of emotions
Came up in its place,
Ancient hatreds let go,
Old memories displaced.

When I watched this unfolding
Of feelings and thoughts,
Astonishment, wonder, surprise arose
As they flitted before my eyes.

I never knew that focusing on pain
Would bring up such an array,
A seemingly unrelated display
That brought relief from the play.

But the thoughts were much harder
Than the pain that departed;
The discomfort had masked
Views and passions from the past;

Products of days
When rejections were body-related,
The body responded
By contracting and aching.

Who wouldn’t fall to complaining
When such rebuffs are proffered?
But now the cause released,
And the suffering temporarily ceased.

Certainly: Rage Dissipation

In a roaring mood
I let go,
Rage swept through
And left no tracks.

To my surprise,
I could not find it
When it went.
Where did it go?

I walked down the street
In relative peace,
Compared to the anger
That had ceased.

I could not see
Where it fled,
Amazement followed
At this development.

So many times
I’ve stuffed fury,
Only to have
It surge up in a hurry.

But when I gave in
To this fierce wind,
It only blew thin air,
As if barely there.

Not a hair was stirred,
Not a harsh word heard,
No crockery smashed,
No walls bashed.

All stilled,
No ill willed,
Quiet reigned,
No one got blamed,
Quenched was the flame.