Exhausting: Venting Worry and Letting it Go

What’s next
For the coming year?
Do I ask,
What is this fear?

What’s coming
That so worries me?
Is it here already,
Is that where I want to be?

Thinking of the future
But what’s in it?
Lost my anchor so long ago
Or did I ever really have it?

Paying attention
To what I’m doing,
I take another sip
Of freshly brewed coffee, savouring it.

It’s so seldom
That I have such a treat,
Perhaps I should
Just focus on that instead,

Let the future
Take care of itself,
As it always has,
And I’ll just coast,

No hurry now,
I’ve got
No better place
To go;

The mind settled
And so,
I forget about tomorrow
And concentrate on now.

Exhausted: Doubting

Taking a break
And thinking it would be great
To be able to quit dreaming
And get to it,

Picking a goal
And following it,
Something worthwhile
And challenging,

Cleaning up
And clearing out,
To make way
For a new direction

But every time I start,
Something else gets in the way,
An unexpected project
Or obstacle,

One after the other
They demand my attention
And then comes
A temporary lull;

But then, what do I do?
I wait and wait,
To see whether or not
Something else will come up.

And then, by the time
I get going again,
Some other glitch arises.
It’s so discouraging at times,

That just when I get
One foot to go in front of the other,
Something trips me up.
It’s so frustrating
That sometimes I just give up!

Exertion: Sideways Motion

Coming into conflict
With competing aspirations:
One to rest,
The other to practice mindfulness;

Wanting to enjoy
What I have,
Rather than striving
To develop my skillfulness;

On the one hand,
Needing solid goals,
On the other,
Tiring of the effort.

Is there a balance,
An in between compromise?
Or do I flip back and forth
And, is so, will I ever land?

Is there no solid ground,
No common ground either?
Can these two
Work together somehow?

Is there a way to
Resolve this contradiction?
Or only an endless play
To and fro to the horizon;

Will I ever know?
Or is there simply no end
To this side to side motion,
No finish to these conditions;

Where else can I look?
Or is this merely a waste of time,
A vibration within a vibration,
A pattern within a pattern.

Exert: Seeking

Seeking for
Dispassion from
The inconstancy
Of the conditioned realm,

Hungering after cessation
Of incessant clinging
To unmet desire,
Impossible to satisfy,

That distracts me from
More purposeful pursuits,
Which could lead to release
From the bonds of Samsara;

Battling Mara,
Instead of walking away
And not fighting
Another day;

Dodging arrows
With agility,
Takes practice
And ingenuity,

Exactly what I need
To be freed
But difficult to keep up,
From this particular place;

Preferring ease,
To struggling with
These challenges
And difficulties;

Longing for rest,
Peace and quiet
And all the best
Of what life has to offer
And yet, seeking the end of suffering.

Exercising: Cultivation

The irritation continues
To grow,
Even though I know
It’s of no use at all,

I either have to go
Somewhere else
Or practice right effort
To let go of this folly;

Cultivating more skillful states
With determination and persistence,
Not letting my resistance
Get in the way of happiness,

No matter what’s going on,
To practice regularly,
For present benefits,
As well as long term returns,

To sustain, even temporarily,
Feelings of well being,
Abandoning bad habits
That evoke only misery and sadness;

Yet, not judging
Mistakes and lapses,
Instead investigating these
And learning from them;

Not a very original approach,
Nevertheless worthwhile
And creating good results,
If I keep trying;

As soon as the annoyance fades away,
Replaced by calm
And steadiness of mind
And an open readiness.

Exercise: Right Effort

Practicing,
With a smile,
Making effort
After a while,

To bring enjoyment
To whatever’s in
This moment,
Whenever I can,

Regardless of
What’s happening
Or what irritants
Are present

And that can be
Very challenging too,
To know what to do
When life really grates,

When so many events
Trigger such uncomfortable reactions
Or frustration erupts,
In response to multiple distractions;

Sometimes the annoyance is
That the pattern is so predictable;
That I know what people will say
Before they begin to speak,

I know what the will do
Before they act
And I know how
I will react.

You’d think by now
We’d both stop
But we keep going.
It’s almost amusing,
How foolish it gets!

Except: Becoming

Wanting to have something
To take seriously,
That’s worthwhile
And not finding it;

Getting irritated, agitated
And minding it,
Downright exasperated
About it;

What a contrast
To what
I was thinking about earlier,
Enjoying the leisure and the scenery,

Where did that go?
And where did
This come from,
This becoming?

Moving through
One state
To another,
From lightness to provoked,

Change the location,
Alter the frame of mind,
From home to work,
A huge transition, apparently;

From intermission,
To full of steam,
Feeding a dream,
To accomplish something important;

Seeing so clearly
The suffering of becoming,
Getting that point,
Nay, the entire quiver of arrows!

Excellent: Cheerfully

Chilly winds blow winter in
And so, it’s hot tea
And suiting up warmly
Before setting out,

Getting dressed
Takes such a long time
That one hesitates to make the effort,
Except for essential errands.

Hence, when I prepared to grocery shop,
I rolled out my bundle buggy,
The one held together
By coat hanger wire and a metal ring,

This wreck that had been abandoned,
That I fixed up as best I could
And yet has carried many a heavy load,
Over these past seven plus years;

And out into
The icy breeze I ventured,
Scarf well wrapped
And hat and gloves pulled on tight

But a refreshing change
From the rains,
Earlier in the week,
For at least twas clear and dry,

Not a cloud overhead
And the streets practically empty,
As everyone who could be
Stayed in or drove somewhere else, I suppose,

Thus I had the city walks
Mostly to myself,
Even though I shopped downtown
But that was fine with me.

Excel: Practicing Right Effort

After a short interval
Of rest and relaxation,
It’s back to
My to-do list,

Which brings up
Much anxiety
And to this
I bring,

‘Breathing in,
I calm the body,
Breathing out
I calm the body’

And the distress vanishes,
At least temporarily
And on I go
To the next task,

Which although I dislike it
I continue to
Try to bring to it,
Right effort,

For, if this is all I have,
Then, I might as well
Practice enjoyment of it,
No matter what I think of it

And this practice,
Although it does not
Make circumstances better,
Creates good feelings around circumstances,

The situation
May not change
But I’m well prepared
In case it does,
Strengthening the mind as I go.

Exactly: Reflecting on Experience

Dismal weather
But undeterred
I go about
My chores,

Grateful
That everything works,
At least
For today,

Bluish moods come and go,
Thinking of death
And reflecting upon
The nature of things,

Seeing the inconstancy
Of experience
And how it all goes
In the end

But does it really?
Is there no return?
Does eternity exist?
Is immortality a possibility?

Or would I want that?
In this civilization of ours,
The way it is,
Maybe not,

The news reports of the past few days
And predictions of the future
Have not inspired confidence,
In the potential benefits of such an outcome;

I trust I need not enumerate
All that goes on
And which makes me wonder:
Does nature perhaps even smile
At the prospect of our departure?

Exactitude: Resolve

Developing dispassion
Towards inconstancy
Is shaping up to be
A worthy goal,

As I see
That my mind
Most clings to
Wanting things to continue,

Especially seeking
The reliability
Of that which I prefer
And seem to expect,

Not sure of
The origin of
These expectations
But they’ve got to go,

If I want to
Stop suffering
And that seems to me
A worthwhile endeavour,

Because I discern
How much of that there is
And how much of it
Has to do with craving reliability,

When, for instance,
I hear an unpleasant noise,
I see that what I really wanted was
For the quiet to continue

And that what particularly annoys
Is that it doesn’t
But instead comes and goes
In accordance with causes and conditions;
And so, I resolve to try to cultivate dispassion.

Exaction: Characteristic of Existence

Here I am
On another errand,
Aching all over
From the weather change,

Then finishing that
Have many chores,
Going down my list
And checking them off,

Now sitting
And reflecting
On my day
And writing this way,

Normal activities
Continue unabated,
Regardless of
The shape I’m in,

Have to keep going,
As no one else to do it,
Keep going through it
Just as it is,

Then pouring hot water
For a refreshing cup
Of green tea
That brings me up,

Preparing me
For more activity,
It’s getting late
But still much to do,

An endless agenda
To look forward to
But at least
I’m still able to do it.

Exacting: Prodigious Effort

The chilly weather persists
And the Fibro-pain and discomfort deepens,
Waking up with unpleasant images
Surging through my head,

Nevertheless trying to find
The right effort
To put it all behind
And settle the jumpy mind,

Set off to shop
At the local farmer’s market,
Despite my misery and malaise
And the cold air enjoyed

But then upon return
Felt exhausted and worn,
Reluctant to go back out
And visit the grocery store

But I needed margarine
And other assorted items
And eventually managed
To push aside the resistance,

Then filled my basket high
With basic necessities,
No frills for this low budget operation
But still my backpack was heavy,

Hefting an impressive load
For one so tired out,
Which made me feel better then
And when remembered afterwards,

Still feeling weak,
I offered encouragement
To the unsteady mind,
Heated up my supper and ate it
And left for work on time.

Evoked: Concentration Rising

Here we go again,
Back to work
But in a happy mood,
Feeling free,

Lightness prevails,
Even in darkness,
Outside it’s gloomy,
Inside it’s cheery,

The clouds have cleared
And there’s a chill in the air
But it’s warm in here
And without any apprehension,

Bewilderment has gone through,
Along with the storm
And quiet prevails
All the way around,

Not minding the wind,
Disregarding the obstacles,
“Putting aside greed
and distress with reference to the world” (SN: 48:10),

I remain focused
And steady,
The mind unshakable,
My concentration unbreakable,

Mindfulness is here too,
Awareness and calm,
Peacefulness and hereness,
Ease and fearlessness,

Imperturbable and present,
Ready for whatever becomes evident,
Wholly immersed
In this.

Evocatively: Putting Aside

As for my Fibromyalgia
It’s alive and kicking
Just like a
Spirited child,

If only it would similarly
Grow up
And leave home
For good,

Which,
Stretching the analogy,
Makes me wonder,
Who gives birth to whom,

Do I give rise to it?
Or does it give rise to me?
Or do we both
Arise spontaneously?

And some might say,
That both are so
Or neither,
But

All this
Incessant speculation
Grows tiresome
And so,

I sip
My coffee
Quietly
And forget all about it,

Enjoying the view
Of the crystal clear
Blue sky
Outside my window.

Evocative: Brunch

I’ve heard it said
That
Liberation is
In this moment

But I would say
That
Liberation is
This moment

What do I mean?
I don’t know
And so,
Maybe,

Liberation
Is
Where you find it,
Wherever that is

And now,
It’s time
To prepare
My brunch,

I have no
Lunch
Due to
My peculiar working hours,

Which stretch
Into the night,
As that’s
Just what I do,

It’s the way
My work is set up,
Which makes this sunny day,
Oh, so much more beautiful!

Evocation: Wise Effort

Looking for information
Led to no answers
For my fibro-situation
And so led to more frustration,

‘Okay,
That’s it!’
I cried,
It’s back to basics,

Making supper
Is tonight’s practice,
Getting on with
My life, as it is,

This shall be
My way,
To make the best
Of every day!

To celebrate
The small victories,
Of grocery shopping
And getting on with work,

Waking up
Every day,
Donning my courage
And making an effort;

Some days
I succeed
And some days
I fail

But there’s no reason
To wail,
I just get up again,
When I’m able
And apply whatever energy is available.

Evermore: Questing

I find it useful
To consider
The possibility
That

Seeing every day
As the start
Of a new quest,
Could be beneficial,

To do so,
Is to begin
Each day
Wide open,

To be
On the alert
For potential solutions,
Without grabbing onto anything in particular,

To be excited
At the prospect of
A fresh adventure
About to unfold,

To not know
Where the seeking
May lead
Or what may be found,

This seems
An appealing way
And what draws people
Out of their shells,

To pursue but never to find,
For upon finding, what then?
Why, another search, of course! What else?
So, what’s the rush to find?
You might as well enjoy the quest.

Everlastingly: Here it Goes Again

Energy roiling around
Inside my head,
Like a hissing cat,
All cranky and tense,

Steam blows,
Frustration grows,
Fibro-fog has no respect
For attainment or achievement,

Nature remains unimpressed
By the strivings
Of an aspirant
And most unsympathetic,

What shall I do
With a head
Full of fluff,
Drowning in dizziness and kafuffle?

Fumbling about
For some solution
And finding none,
Mind scrambled like eggs,

So infuriating
It makes my brain ache,
As it struggles
To cope with this ongoing impediment,

This has
Gone on too long!
But it ignores
All protests and complaints,

If Fibromyalgia were a politician
It would be bounced out of office!
But this scourge knows nothing of democracy,
Or if it does, I’ve been outvoted!

Everlasting: Flow

I had
Quite a scare,
As Fibromyalgia jitters
Grabbed me by the hair

But then I saw
How existence is,
That there is no distinction
Between nibbana/nirvana and THIS,

No distinction between
Existence and non-existence,
Permanence and impermanence
Self and not self,

This right here is it,
The flow of what is,
What isn’t,
What is and what isn’t,

Everything I see
Is it
And so
Am I

And you are it too
And so is everything else,
Everything above, below,
Before, behind, beside and within

And this is all
We need to know,
Over and over,
Every moment

And even when
We are through knowing,
If that is what happens,
We will still be what we are,
Which is, just this.

Eventual: When?

Dancing with
The great doubt,
Whose icy tendrils
Wrap around my heart,

Starring into the flame
That burns in my chest,
Fibromyalgia comes calling
Once again,

Discouragement flares up
Along with the pain,
Reminding me again
Of the impossible dream,

Of being free of this scourge
But when will that happen?
And there’s so much
That goes with it,

All this sensitivity
And such,
Sometimes, I tell you
It’s all too much!

Round and round
Roll the doubting thoughts,
How disheartening,
What rot!

Luckily I’ve got
My practice to fall back on,
I sink into the cushion
And turn towards the disturbance,

Feeling the energy
Go up and down
And sending it
Throughout the body
To nourish every hungry cell.

Evaporating: Calming the Restless Mind

Galloping elephants again!
Such agitation,
Such fear, such doubt,
What’s this all about?

Better not to ask
I think,
As I don’t think
I will ever figure it out,

Better to let the elephants
Pass through,
Unimpeded
And the mind relaxed a little,

Remembering
The benevolence of the elephants
That they do not
Mean to cause trouble

And, are in fact
Quite unaware
Of the difficulties
They bring to the forest,

Directing compassion
Towards the elephants
And the forest
And the trees,

Slowly, very slowly
The mind is soothed
And quiet ensues,
As the shadows lengthen,

The frenzied energy
Is replaced by bliss,
Which spreads throughout,
Bringing peace and renewal.

Evanescent: Interlude

It is so pleasant
To have the leisure
To engage
In life’s simple pleasures,

A filling breakfast,
A cup of tea,
Watching the world scurry
To and fro outside my window,

Life is not so bad
When one has the time
To sit back and observe,
Even if so much of it is absurd,

Even if one’s budget
Is so small,
That one can barely
Go anywhere or do anything at all,

These precious moments
Arise and fall
And I don’t have to
Put up with the crowds at the mall,

To stay out of the stores
This year is my goal
But instead to enjoy
The quiet pleasures

Available to me,
Which I would wish
To be extended to all,
May all beings be happy,

May they be well,
May they be at peace,
May they be safe,
May they be comfortable.

Evanescence: Short Break

The elephant tirade continues
Until it resolves into
An orderly parade,
A disciplined promenade,

The elephants stop
Beside a lake
And take a drink,
Watching warily for predators

And so,
I sit once more,
Amidst this temporary lull
In whatever ails me,

Although it’s better
Not to consult the list,
Or I’ll start to feel sorry for myself
All over again,

Lonesome and depressed,
Wondering ponderously
Or wandering aimlessly,
Until something better occurs to me,

This pointless rumination
Must stop
And so, thinking of the elephants
I cheer up,

They really are
Such beautiful creatures,
So intelligent,
Gregarious and elegant,

So well formed
And marvelous,
A tribute to
Nature’s ingenuity.

Evaluating: Closer Examination

Fear, fear, fear,
Agitation and doubt,
What a bout
And what’s it about?

Could it be,
I feel so safe to feel
That I’m ready
To let these hungry ghosts out?

Out, out, ghosts,
Go feed elsewhere,
I’ve better things to do
Or so I tell myself,

For maybe that’s the trouble,
It’s all so mundane,
So repetitive,
What a strain!

And yet,
There is much good here,
My pain is under control,
It’s only my fear that’s rampaging,

Like five elephants tied to a pole,
The five hindrances tug and pull,
Until they rip it out of the ground
And stampede into the forest,

Dragging the pole with them
And finally it gets stuck
In between two trees,
Which they tear down,

In their fear and fury
They run amok,
Galloping across the meadow,
Finally fleeing even from their own shadows
As the night sets in.

Evaluate: Trying to See

Agitation, doubt and fear,
To which nature agrees
As the weather
Is filthy!

Steely grey clouds
Loom over the city,
Darkening the sky
And oppressing the mind,

The driving rain
Peters out to drizzle,
Leaving behind
A mucky mess,

How similar
To the state of mind
In which I awoke,
And which I cannot shake,

How not to identify with this
Becomes the difficult task,
‘What of it?’ cries the voice of doubt,
‘What good is this doing!’

‘Try it and see,’
Comes the helpful reply
But it’s too weak
And the enemy is strong

And so,
I resort to writing,
Which at least
Gets my mind onto something else for a while

And gradually,
As I engage in this process,
The butterflies of fear gather together
And begin to fly in close formation.

Etching: Mindfulness Day

Everything’s quieter
As I take a day off,
From running faster and harder
Before returning to the race,

Sitting leisurely
Sipping coffee,
While waiting for oatmeal
Cooking on the stove,

Dressed up with almonds
And an apple sliced up,
With ginger and cinnamon
And skim milk,

Eaten with a spoon
From a large metal bowl
That I then wash
And the counter clean up,

Then brushing my teeth,
Mindfully noticing
What that feels like,
Enjoying the sensations in the mouth,

Combing my hair
And washing my face,
Before settling down
For some mindfulness practice,

Mentally noting
What sensations are present,
What feelings,
What thoughts,

And what it’s like
To be examining,
Experiencing this way
And from this point of view.

Etch: Tuning In

Continuing to spin,
Considering rapidly
What’s on my list
That I may have missed,

Pausing to sit
And feel the energy
In the body,
Fizzing happily,

Moving on
To more work
I have to do
But carrying that experience more lightly,

Filtering it through
The body,
Relaxing into
The activity

But still aware
Of experience
And consciousness
Of what that’s like,

Makes it easier
To stay mindful,
When one takes the time
To sit and check in

And it only takes
A few minutes
To tune in
To what’s on,

To observe carefully
What’s here,
As it appears
And disappears.

Et Cetera: Catching Up

So much
Is going on
That I’ve gotten behind
Once again,

Making up
For all the time
I got ahead
Of myself instead,

Faster and faster
I have to go,
Even though
I’d rather go slowly,

Surrounded by chatter now,
Trying to think,
Hounded by doubts,
About what’s the link,

Where’s the connection
Between practice and now,
When the to-do list is long
And I’m in a rush,

Getting involved
In busy activity,
Forgetting all about
Lightness and levity,

Pursuing my goals
Way to seriously,
Working away
And pushing furiously,

Scrambling to get
Somewhere else,
Then suddenly remembering
To check in with reality.

Estuary: Practice Entry

A day of meditation,
Of turning inward
And feeling
The energy within,

That comes in
Different flavours,
Depending on
What mood I’m in

And then,
Feeling this energy,
I imagine it
Suffusing the entire body,

Every cell
Gets
An equal share
And every structure too,

And not to forget
Every bit of space
Whether in between
Or within,

And when the job is done,
It’s so much fun
That strong bliss arises,
Which in turn is distributed

First within the body with loving-kindness
And then expanding outward
To all beings with compassion
And then to all of everything,

In every direction,
Every realm,
Every astral plane
Everywhere
And finally, there is equanimity.

Estimation: Letting Go of Concepts

My words
Are as mindless
As the wind
But what is the wind?

The wind is mind too
And so are
These mindless
Words

That blow
Like the mindless wind,
Through
The mindless mindful mind;

And how can such mindfulness
Arise from
This mindless wind
That comes and goes?

Nobody knows
But who
Is
This nobody?

And how
Will I
Recognize this nobody
If and when we meet?

And so,
The wind blows
Or
It doesn’t,

It keeps blowing
Or
It stops
But when it stops
Where does it go?