Bridge: Festive Metta

And now, I am taking another break on account of the festive season.

Best wishes to all!

See you next year, in January 2010.

May you be well.
May you be peaceful.
May you be happy.

Brick: Posture Predicaments

I can’t seem to get this posture thing right. No matter what I do, either something hurts or something’s falling asleep. I’ve heard it said somewhere that it takes 20 years to learn to sit properly, but what does that mean? What is “properly?” Or, is there such a thing? Maybe that’s only a story made up by people to keep people going.

I do keep going, though sometimes I am not sure why. Some days I think it’s such a waste of time, and once in a while I succumb to this view and quit for a day.

I skipped it a few days ago, and then yesterday when I sat concluded that I was attached to the practice, but I directed myself not get involved with that thought either, and I ignored it and continued.

Today, as soon as I sat down, I heard hammering and I already had a headache. I decided to try and continue anyway, trying to be like the earth, i.e., to not be bothered by what I felt was this disagreeable experience. When that worked I was surprised because usually, when it comes to noise, I find it impossible to keep going. Whether it was the method or the conditions, however, I am sure I don’t know.

Then there was this posture thing again. I adjusted it two or three times, and in the end accepted that my left leg falling asleep was the best that I could do on this occasion. I was able to accept this to the end, and congratulated myself for those few moments of stillness, of being here fully and accepting everything as it is that I managed to achieve—if achievement is the right word.

Then I got up with a groan, my left leg and knee being stiff and sore from the experience of sitting in the way I wound up sitting, and I felt frustrated.

Oh well.

Brew: Agitation Stew

Today I am getting to know my blindness much better.

You may think that this is not very reassuring, and that I’m just writing nonsense from the other end of the crazy continuum. Be that as it may, it’s quite interesting in here, or from here, as the case may be.

From here, I see the benefits of being always alert to one’s state of heart, mind and body. I think we are always biased, but perhaps we can know our biases sufficiently to be aware that any decision we make is always biased.

This looks like just another beginning.

I do wish I’d stop worrying about how far I have to go, as this is probably meaningless, but I guess from this state this is just what my mind tends to do with itself. From within my current agitated state, my mind seems to have to do something or other, though not necessarily what I think I’d like it to be doing.

Then again, for all I know, not liking what’s happening is probably part of this state too. It may take a long time for me to explore this multi-layered continent, this tangled ball of ideas, feelings, impressions, sensations, and whatever else is going on today.

Even as I examine this, however, it keeps changing, but into what? By the time I think I know it will change again. It’s always changing. How ridiculous that I think I can actually keep track. I might as well try to trace the changes in the iron atoms in my bed, but I try it anyway.

That’s what made sense to me from there. It’s gone now. By writing about it I have changed it again, or maybe writing was the change and I missed it.

Come to think of it, don’t even blink!

On the other hand, blinking could be it too.

EEK! ^^ LOL

Breathtaking: Just Weird

Picking up from my previous entry, this had some very amusing implications.

Okay, so here I was listening to a selection from one of the audio talks I like to hear, and starting to argue with the teacher. I’m thinking I know so much more now than she does, and I’m disagreeing.

Then, ‘wait a sec.’ I thought. ‘If there is no “I,” then, who am I talking to? Why am I setting up this conflict with myself?'

Hmm. Let’s see. Some say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, could this be the second sign? You know, arguing with yourself? LOL

Oh my!

So, this is me, finally going mad, is it?

Meanwhile, the teacher has moved on to talking about the volunteer work she has been doing, and how it has been benefiting her, and at this point I think I was really losing it, because I was thinking, ‘Gee, isn’t that nice of her to do all this to benefit myself?’ And then, as she’s talking more about herself, and how her experiences with others cause her to react, I’m thinking, ‘Wow, myself is self-centred!’ and laughing some more. At that point I had to stop and write this down before “I” lost it forever; hence confirming my point, about myself’s self-centredness. LOL (Rolls eyes)

This is probably a load of rot, but it sure is fun. It seems a crack opened up in the clouds, and all sorts of laughter came out. I shall enjoy it while it lasts, as I expect I’ll be just as blind again soon, and wondering what this nonsense was all about, then it’s back to practice, practice, practice, until another little sliver of light breaks through the gloom.

But if I could just let go of it, then maybe I could break through too.

Breathless: “I”-yie-yie

I’ve been thinking about reality, about the origin of what is. I wonder if reality is like a narcissistic lover, so vast that it forgets itself, routinely getting confused and thinking the “bits” of itself are separate from the other “bits.” Then it falls in love with these “bits,” and hungers for them, as if they were separate. It’s like a dog that falls in love with it’s own tail, and keeps checking to see if it’s still there, as if it’s ever anywhere else. If it loses sight of the tail it gets worried that something has been lost, even though this is impossible. At the same time, if it tires of this “bit,” or thinks it is engaged in some sort of conflict with it, it tries to get away, but this too is impossible.

We all think we have some separate existence from one another, but perhaps we don’t. Perhaps we just think we do, because reality is so huge that we forget we are it. We imagine we love somebody out there or hate somebody out there, when really they are just us, and this is what makes everything what it is.

Without all this love and hate, this affinity and repulsion would we remember who we are, and then what, I wonder? If everything was just everything, not pulling or pushing, then how would it know it was there at all? Maybe all this conflict and attraction is necessary for existence to know it exists. For if it wasn’t there, how would it know that it is? Because, as I am speaking of everything here, there would be no point of comparison, there being nothing outside of everything to compare everything too.

But how did this happen? Who started it? Or, is there simply no beginning and no ending? I’d really like to know, but who is this “I” person anyway? If reality doesn’t know then who knows? Or, is this wanting to know just foolish reality looking for its tail again? Where did all of this come from? Where did I come from? Where did “I” come from? Or, maybe this is just a silly question.

I seem to recall that Buddha thought these questions were pretty futile, and perhaps he was right. Maybe it’s stupid to inquire. It could be a waste of time, but we do it anyway, or at least some of us do. In fact, some people make their entire careers out of “where did everything come from?” And “Why are we here?” And, so on. But unless I plan to do that, I suppose I ought to just stick to my own brand of knitting, and leave this question alone. Otherwise, I could just drive myself nuts, whoever “myself” may be. (giggles) Either way, I was surprised how peaceful I felt after writing this, which for all “I” knows, may possibly be the whole point of such speculations.

Breather: Adding a New Element

I woke up much too early and couldn’t get back to sleep. There was all sorts of rage and discouragement about all sorts of things that I don’t even remember now.

Then later when I went out on the street I felt uneasy. I used my reflection of the four elements and the elements of life, but even this was not enough.

So then, I thought of this from the Pali Suttas:

Develop meditation that is like the earth: as the earth is not troubled by agreeable or disagreeable things it comes into contact with, so if you meditate like the earth, agreeable and disagreeable experiences will not trouble you. Develop meditation like water, like fire, like air and like space: as all of these are not troubled by agreeable or disagreeable things they come into contact with, so if you meditate like water, fire, air or space, agreeable and disagreeable experiences will not trouble you.—MN62

And, at once I began to relax.

I had felt surrounded by the disagreeable, but this reflection dispelled my discomfort, and I was able to continue on with my tasks.

On my way back I encountered a dog wandering by itself off the leash, and thought how foolish people are to let their dogs roam, but then I reflected that considering people are just air, water, earth, and fire, my expectations were way too high. For how could these elements be intelligent?

After that, it seemed pretty foolish to bother getting upset about such trivialities, and I strolled along the rest of the way home sporting a silly grin.

Breakthrough: Mindful Discovery

To do, to do:
Making macaroni and cheese stew.
The colours are so lovely,
The cheese so creamy,
Mindfully eating this should be easy,
But I still rush, rush, busy, busy.

What is my big hurry?
If I slow down, what’s the worry?
For what am I tearing from?
First to last spoonful?

Where am I attempting to get,
Or get away from?
Am I trying to win a bet?
Or, is this just habit?
To grab and run,
To stuff my mouth and fumble around,
Eating at my desk,
Always reaching for the next task.

It seems so foolish
But I can’t seem to
Stop doing this.
Perhaps today I will cease
Speeding like a thief being
Chased by the police.

Otherwise I don’t see how
I will enjoy any peace;
If I keep on racing to the finish
Only to start in on another dish,
Or another job or chore;

That is, unless
I learn how to find
Some stillness in the chaos.
Then maybe I will rest.
But until then I will just
Have to do my best.

Breakout: Is-ing

Every moment is already ‘like this.’
There’s nothing to pursue,
Not even happiness.

I always find my way
Whether I am mindful or not,
Even when I’m sleeping.

Although I fall into dark waters
I always save myself,
Though not necessarily
As soon as I’d like it!

I think up great lines
And then forget them
Before I write them.
As soon as I try to
Set down the words
I lose them, perhaps because
Writing is not the point,
Doing is;
Thinking is not the purpose,
Being is.

Action is paramount
But Non-action is essential too.
Seeing what is
Is just what it is;
There’s no need to think about it;
Effort only makes reality
More difficult to perceive.

I’m getting all storied out,
Telling tales
And figuring,
When I should be
Putting the past behind me
And living.

Breaker: Deep Waters

Doubt, doubt, doubt:
I can’t seem to get out.
I’ve tried going in
With insight;
I’ve tried going through
With metta,
But it seems to me
That I just can’t win.

Is it the practice?
Or, is it me?
Or, is it monkey mind,
That’s got me out of my tree?

I don’t know really,
And I feel so stuck
Am I just depressed,
Or genuinely out of luck?

It’s so dark in here
When I get so blind;
I can’t look forward,
I can only look behind.

The view from here
Is mighty bleak;
I’m afraid to look around
Fearing I might freak.

But what will happen
If I just take a peak?
What will I find, I wonder?
I quiver and squeak.

But I must keep looking
If I want to see,
The end of this black mood;
And then, perhaps I will break free.

Break: Mind Jump

Contemplating the six senses,
My mind flits about
From one to the other
With tremendous speed.

Synesthesia sets in:
I’m seeing sensations
And viewing what I hear,
And somewhere along the way
I lose the distinction between
Pleasure and pain;
The patterned shapes and colours
Merely light up my mind.

Tension releases
And the minutes fly by,
My timer rings
And I continue for a while.

‘I could do this all day,’
I think,
But the hour is getting late
And I have to move again.

What a wonderful experience
To forget about discriminating;
If only I can bring this practice
To my regular duties,
What a gift it would be
To myself and all around me.

Bouquet: Business as Unusual

Too much said
Not enough done
This is the theme

I plot and scheme
But get no closer to
Escaping from the dream

I’m not sure what to do
I think and fret
And get caught in it

Plunging through my mind
Spinning like a dime
I lose track of the time

Behind schedule again
I storm through my chores
Cursing as I go

I’ve seen this show
So often before
But it’s all I know

Experience it seems
Does not always lead to change
And yet I have changed

The patterns remain
Yet everything’s different
But sometimes the alterations
Are difficult to see

Bounty: Elementary

Lately, I’ve been looking for new ways to ground myself in the present when my mind is going off to ‘who knows where.’ Today, I fell to reflecting on what’s called ‘the four elements,’ and found this to be amazingly effective.

I had heard that sometimes what makes people feel angry is alienation from those around them, a sense that people are not us, foreign, alien. But when I think of the four elements I realize that we are all very related indeed. These are air, water, earth, and fire (though I prefer to think of it as heat).

In Theravada Buddhism, in particular, it is said that we are composed of these. Air goes into the lungs. It is mostly composed of Oxygen and Nitrogen, both of which dissolve in the blood. Oxygen is also carried by the red blood cells, and is, of course, essential for us. Water is mostly what we’re made of, for example in our blood and saliva. It is also perspired by us. Earth is in our bones and teeth as calcium and other minerals. In addition there is iron in the blood, and many other minerals in our bodies. Heat we can feel in our bodies as well.

Another way of looking at this is that life is mostly composed of Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Carbon, with Phosphorus and Sulfur as well, and many other trace elements.

And so, we see that we really do have a lot in common.

We can also add the six senses, which most people have, consisting of sight, smell, taste, touch, smell and consciousness. Plus, there’s the fact that we all have certain basic needs, such as food and water, some kind of shelter, and usually clothes of some sort.

Hence, by examining and reflecting upon these we find how similar we all are, and also how connected to everything else, the elements are found all over the place.

Some people also add space itself as an element, because how could we possibly move around without it? And, there’s plenty of that around, both outer and inner.

When I’m in a huff and I do this type of reflection, I often find it calming; so, it’s probably good to do, at least as an alternative to just getting into a stew or blowing one’s stack. Plus, you may find it quite interesting too.

Bountiful: Metta Returns

Have you ever had one of those days when you felt like shouting, “I want to go home!”

Well, I had one today, and I was at home. Fancy that!

“Where is home?” I asked.

I didn’t know.

Hence, I pulled my loving-kindness practice out of my tool kit, and kept thinking, ‘May I find home, may I find home, may I find it now!’

Then I reflected on past readings and audio talks about what are called the “Divine Abodes,” one of which is loving-kindness.

Ah so! It’s more than just a practice; it’s a place to abide, to dwell.

‘Hmm. This sounds like home to me,’ I concluded.

What followed was, ‘May I dwell in loving-kindness,’ repeated, over and over, and pretty soon I felt much better, and very at home indeed.

Then, I was able to get on with things.

And so, if you are looking for home, it’s probably right here.

It’s so good to be home again. (I wonder how long I will stay this time, and when I will ever learn to just stay home!)

Boundless: Mind Expanding

Today I had an appointment, and they kept me waiting almost an hour.

This was an interesting test of all the skills and practices I have learned to date.

Luckily the chair was fairly comfortable for me, but even so the pain began to creep in, and so did the muscle tension response, and the irritation.

I directed myself to be patient with all of this, and I did some stretching every twenty minutes or so.

The best strategy of all, however, proved to be my reflection on how all the discomfort I was experiencing was but a grain of sand on an infinite beach. I contemplated on what else was happening. From where I was sitting I could see that the sun was going down, but somewhere else in the world I knew the sun was rising. Still elsewhere, it was high noon, and someplace else again it was midnight. Winter is coming on here; spring is blooming there, and in the southern realms summer solstice is on the way. Trillions of beings are being born, growing up, getting old and dying. The earth is rotating on its axis and orbiting the sun. The sun is moving through the galaxy, and the galaxy is rotating with other galaxies, and the universe is expanding at tremendous speed. All of this, and so much more is going on, and I am part of it to too; yet, what I had locked in on before was dis-ease, pain, and muscle tension.

Oh, what a relief! Whenever I can stop identifying with and getting caught up in whatever is happening in ‘little me,’ I can be so free. When I let go of that, I see that there’s really nothing that I need to hold onto.

But then I forget again, of course, and it starts all over. It such a challenge, but I just keep going, one foot at a time.

Bottomless: The Place that Mind Forgets

Thinking, thinking, thinking,
What a way to spend my time.
If I’m not thinking I’m planning,
Or rehearsing, or preparing.

After a while it becomes too much,
“Stop!” I say.
And I stop,
But then start up again
When I’m not looking.

Soon after I wake up,
The mind wants to flit about
Like a child at play;
It can be amusing to watch,
But it can be
Difficult to be mindful,
Amidst the every day.

I get lost in my musings,
Or lost in activity,
And sometimes consumed by
Both simultaneously.

I forget what I’m doing
In the middle of a task,
Or lose track of
Where I’m going,
Or what I’m after when I get there.

This mindfulness business is tricky
There’s no doubt about it.
Just when I’m sure I’ve found it,
I realize I’ve misplaced it,
Or overlooked what else is happening.

Bonus: Metta Adventure

Last night when I was in bed preparing for sleep, at which time lately I often find myself spontaneously breaking into Loving-Kindness meditation, I noticed a most amazing thing. I started thinking about all the beings everywhere: in the ocean, on the land, in the earth, and the air. I imagined whales and fishes, eels and crustaceans, mollusks, seals and dolphins, elephants and crocodiles, lions, tigers, leopards, and cats of all kinds, wolves and dogs, herds of various grazing animals, rodents, marsupials, bats, birds of all kinds, worms and grubs, insects, and many more.

Then suddenly, all boundaries between living things dropped away, and then it seemed as if it was not “I” wishing myself loving-kindness, wellness, happiness, peace, but it was as if everything was wishing itself loving-kindness, wellness, happiness and peace. There was this feeling of being part of everything, and everything being part of me, and yet there was no me, or at least, no separate me.

I don’t know when I’ve felt happier, and I slept well that night for the first time in quite a while. I gather from my reading that this sort of experience is not unusual for people who continue with these kinds of practices. Thus, if you are looking for a sleeping pill, but prefer to avoid medication, you might want to try this some time. It did seem to require some practice, as I had been doing it every night for at least a week before I had this experience, but the only “side effects” I have experienced are a feeling of well being and the development of a more kindly attitude towards oneself and others.

Bolster: Practice, Practice, Practice

It is truly remarkable what a difference it makes when one simply sits with whatever is present and faces it, with an attitude of kindly interest.

For example, yesterday, in my meditation, I had a direct encounter with panic and the anguish associated with it. When I suffer from such intense feelings, I sometimes think I can’t possibly stand it, and feel as if it will never go away. This time, perhaps because it happened during my meditation, I noticed how quickly it actually disappeared when I just sat with it and left it alone.

A similar thing happened today. As there is a major snowstorm coming, there has been a radical shift in the weather, from high to low pressure, and cold to warm, I have developed a severe migraine headache. (This too probably accounts for the panic yesterday, as I often experience intense feelings of all sorts prior to one of these migraine attacks.)

From past experience, I have learned that the best thing for me to do is to relax right into the headache instead of resisting it. Then I do loving-kindness practice towards the headache. The effect is amazing. When I do these two things, a major easing of the pain occurs, making it much less unpleasant. I’m not sure I got the idea; I just tried it one day and it worked, and it still does.

Closely observing what is happening but not getting involved in it provides an opportunity to determine what can be tried to make a positive difference. Of course this takes practice and trial-and-error. I still get caught up in what’s happening quite often and suffer the consequences. At the same time, however, this reminds me of the benefits of practicing the opposite.

Body: From Reaction to Responsiveness

On the topic of working with physical pain: something is changing.

When I first started, my reaction/response was dictated by my aversion to the pain I feel.

Gradually, very gradually, however, perhaps due to practice and application of loving-kindness and mindfulness, I am finding that pain is being stripped of the extra reactions, such as, “oh no, not again!” And “I don’t want this,” etc.

In its place is simply, “how can I respond to this, in the most effective and kindly way?”

Then I make adjustments as needed, or simply try to take an open gentle attitude towards this complex sensation, to be with it.

Then I can also investigate it, and sort out what it is I actually feel.

Interestingly, I often find that when I do examine it, it’s not what I ‘thought’ it was, and sometimes I even have trouble finding it. It then becomes just sensation, and is not so difficult to deal with.

Nevertheless, there are still many times when an unexpected pain arises that I react or worry, as in “what now?” Or, “this isn’t supposed to happen.” And then, there are other times when it’s just really difficult.

I am not yet ready to go without pain medication by any means, but it appears that there has been some progress. It is an ongoing process, never ending I imagine, for as long there is this body.

Blossom: Opening to My Losses

And so I went for a dip,
In the water under the bridge,
And let the tears flow for a while.
Then, well refreshed by my swim,
I was able to get on with my day.

And when I did my work,
I shared the fruits of
My acceptance
With those needing comfort.

Thus, by opening to my losses,
And recognizing them,
I found relief,
And was able to
Redistribute what I gained
From this practice.

As for the long run,
I reflected upon whether
This process will ever end,
And if it doesn’t
Can I accept that too?
And then what?

I will not have the answers
Until I get the results,
And so, I shall continue,
Like a diver,

Exploring the sea.

Blockage: Deluge

My previous reflection was prophetic.
For recently, I received a letter from family members,
From whom I have been estranged for many years,
Asking for me to contact them.
(They are getting old, you see,
And facing up to their mortality.)

When I read this letter,
At first it merely renewed my rage,
For past inequities;
But then, upon considering my last entry,
I realized that with or without them,
I need to accept my hurt, my grief, my loss, my
Disappointment.
For, by my previous logic
Rejection of this pain
May mean
Being unable to fully accept
Happiness either.

Life is a mixed bag,
That’s for sure,
And there’s enough water under this bridge
To swamp a star liner;
But, perhaps that’s what all those
Swimming lessons were for,
Which were, appropriately enough,
Paid for by the sponsors of
This particular deluge.

Blessed: Relief

Yesterday I discovered,
Descending into disappointment,
And nothing else,
Is no problem.

Deep and dark
It felt,
But by itself,
It was
Simple
Weightless
Benign
Inoffensive.

And finding it so,
I was then able
To be open to
Joy
Peace
Ease
Tranquility.

Hence, I see how
Acceptance of
The truth of suffering
And its causes,
Are such important
Lessons to learn.

For when one has
Truly understood
And accepted these,
Deeply,
Liberation from suffering
Becomes possible.

Blend: Stillness

I have continued to reflect upon and work with the difficulties of dealing with pain and aversion. I have noticed for a long time that when I feel good, I will completely forget about when I felt bad, and that correspondingly, when I feel terrible, I will often lose all track of any notion of or possibility of feeling good. As my practice is developing, I am more aware of the opposite feeling, but I often experience this awareness as unpleasant. Recently, I wound up trying something different.

Earlier in the day I had felt very good, and then later started to feel miserable. Then I sat down to meditate. Somehow, in my mind’s eye, I had an image of myself sitting on the chair opposite, which was where I had been sitting the last time I had felt so good. I imagined the “me” that had felt good merging with the “me” that wasn’t feeling so good. At the moment of this imaginary merging there was a sharp but prolonged, involuntary intake of breath, with a vocal squeak at the end of it, and then there was just this profound stillness—no bliss, no misery, no thinking either, just stillness.

Throughout this I had maintained some attention on the body, which was where the stillness was experienced, but this ‘sensation’ (if that’s what is was), which is difficult to describe, was particularly concentrated in the areas where there had been discomfort or pain just moments before this. This stillness persisted until the end of the meditation, and for some time afterwards as well.


On another occasion, I was sitting at my desk at work thinking about how much I disliked the room and everything in it. Then I closed my eyes and imagined what setting I would prefer, and visualized a beautiful country scene, with a view of the fall colours in the leaves of the trees. This made me feel really blissful. Then I opened my eyes and it felt as if I was in two places at once: the place where I wanted to be and the office. And then I was at peace. This tranquility and well being persisted too, and for an even longer time.

Blank: Light and Dark

Only when you see the light
Do you realize how dark the darkness is (was).

But I’d forgotten
What light was like too,
Which was the reason
It was so bright.

A voice said, “this is light.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“That which is blinding you now.”

“Oh,” said I.

And then plunging back
Into darkness,
I saw how dark the darkness was.

Now then,
Where does the darkness
Meet the light?

I expect it happens all the time,
But only when you don’t notice
Anything special,
Or don’t expect it, perhaps.

Blade: And So It Goes

Wow!

What a course that was.

All I have to say is:

The most exciting, rewarding, harrowing adventures I have are the ones I have sitting by myself doing what the outside observer would think was nothing.

Building an anchor is really hard work.

It’s the baggage: it keeps following me.

This reminds me of the time I was riding my bike down this dirt track on a hot and sunny summer’s day. Suddenly I saw my shadow in the dirt, pursued by numerous tiny shadows. It was a swarm of horseflies chasing me, presumably after my blood.

My meditation practice seemed helpful when it was new because it was new; the swarm had not yet located it.

But, now it has, and so the trouble begins anew.

For help, I turned to the late Zen Master, Shunryu Suzuki’s, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind:

“The goal of practice is always to keep our beginner’s mind.”

For, “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities. In the expert’s mind there are few.”

And so, I went back to the most basic practice, the practice of focusing on my breathing, and there I found peace, for a time.

Ah but, the saga continues. . .