Actuality: Almost, but not quite

Previously, I presented an abbreviated version of the instructions provided by Jack Kornfield, in his audio book, Beginner’s Guide to Buddhism (Louisville, USA: Sounds True 2002), on loving-kindness meditation, which I attempted as part of my search for a method to ease the suffering of my Fibromyalgia.

When I tried this meditation, I found that, like a good book, I was unable to put it down. I went to bed that night feeling very good indeed. I had modified it to wish myself well, literally, having really bought into the idea that this could make a difference to my health.

When I woke up the next morning, however, I felt absolutely rotten, and was correspondingly furious. All I had accomplished was to make myself feel even worse, as the meditation simply made me aware of how awful I felt by making me feel better for a short time. It hadn’t really helped at all. There was no way that wishful thinking was going to make a difference, or so I concluded. ‘What a waste of time!’ I complained, and proceeded to move on to other things.

I then listened to a variety of other materials, some interesting, some less, so, but found nothing in them other than temporary diversions, or something to do when I felt too ill to move. Nevertheless, other audio books I would recommend by Jack Kornfield include, Your Buddha Nature (Louisville, USA: Sounds True 2000, containing several interesting and/or enjoyable meditations), Roots of Buddhist Psychology (Ibid, 1996), and Path with a Heart (Ibid, 2006, an autobiographical account of Kornfield’s experiences as a monk, and the aftermath of his return from this 10 year period of intensive practice abroad).

Paradoxically, though I can’t remember why, I drifted back to loving-kindness meditation again, and this time, perhaps due to the adoption of more realistic expectations, actually found that it did do me some good, at least psychologically. But how you feel about your circumstances is just as important as your circumstances; so, I suppose this makes some sense.

I continued on with this every day for about six months and found that it certainly made me a little calmer, a very important result, given that pain generates anxiety, which in turn increases pain. Hence, anything that reduces anxiety tends to reduce pain. But then, I encountered the unfortunate truth that muscle tension also masks pain, and found that over time my pain was worsened due to this phenomenon. Sheesh! Sometimes you just can’t win!!!

Next time: if you don’t like being weirded out, stop reading now. Otherwise, fasten your safety straps and prepare yourself for a mind-warping ride!