Breathtaking: Just Weird

Picking up from my previous entry, this had some very amusing implications.

Okay, so here I was listening to a selection from one of the audio talks I like to hear, and starting to argue with the teacher. I’m thinking I know so much more now than she does, and I’m disagreeing.

Then, ‘wait a sec.’ I thought. ‘If there is no “I,” then, who am I talking to? Why am I setting up this conflict with myself?'

Hmm. Let’s see. Some say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, could this be the second sign? You know, arguing with yourself? LOL

Oh my!

So, this is me, finally going mad, is it?

Meanwhile, the teacher has moved on to talking about the volunteer work she has been doing, and how it has been benefiting her, and at this point I think I was really losing it, because I was thinking, ‘Gee, isn’t that nice of her to do all this to benefit myself?’ And then, as she’s talking more about herself, and how her experiences with others cause her to react, I’m thinking, ‘Wow, myself is self-centred!’ and laughing some more. At that point I had to stop and write this down before “I” lost it forever; hence confirming my point, about myself’s self-centredness. LOL (Rolls eyes)

This is probably a load of rot, but it sure is fun. It seems a crack opened up in the clouds, and all sorts of laughter came out. I shall enjoy it while it lasts, as I expect I’ll be just as blind again soon, and wondering what this nonsense was all about, then it’s back to practice, practice, practice, until another little sliver of light breaks through the gloom.

But if I could just let go of it, then maybe I could break through too.

Breathless: “I”-yie-yie

I’ve been thinking about reality, about the origin of what is. I wonder if reality is like a narcissistic lover, so vast that it forgets itself, routinely getting confused and thinking the “bits” of itself are separate from the other “bits.” Then it falls in love with these “bits,” and hungers for them, as if they were separate. It’s like a dog that falls in love with it’s own tail, and keeps checking to see if it’s still there, as if it’s ever anywhere else. If it loses sight of the tail it gets worried that something has been lost, even though this is impossible. At the same time, if it tires of this “bit,” or thinks it is engaged in some sort of conflict with it, it tries to get away, but this too is impossible.

We all think we have some separate existence from one another, but perhaps we don’t. Perhaps we just think we do, because reality is so huge that we forget we are it. We imagine we love somebody out there or hate somebody out there, when really they are just us, and this is what makes everything what it is.

Without all this love and hate, this affinity and repulsion would we remember who we are, and then what, I wonder? If everything was just everything, not pulling or pushing, then how would it know it was there at all? Maybe all this conflict and attraction is necessary for existence to know it exists. For if it wasn’t there, how would it know that it is? Because, as I am speaking of everything here, there would be no point of comparison, there being nothing outside of everything to compare everything too.

But how did this happen? Who started it? Or, is there simply no beginning and no ending? I’d really like to know, but who is this “I” person anyway? If reality doesn’t know then who knows? Or, is this wanting to know just foolish reality looking for its tail again? Where did all of this come from? Where did I come from? Where did “I” come from? Or, maybe this is just a silly question.

I seem to recall that Buddha thought these questions were pretty futile, and perhaps he was right. Maybe it’s stupid to inquire. It could be a waste of time, but we do it anyway, or at least some of us do. In fact, some people make their entire careers out of “where did everything come from?” And “Why are we here?” And, so on. But unless I plan to do that, I suppose I ought to just stick to my own brand of knitting, and leave this question alone. Otherwise, I could just drive myself nuts, whoever “myself” may be. (giggles) Either way, I was surprised how peaceful I felt after writing this, which for all “I” knows, may possibly be the whole point of such speculations.

Breather: Adding a New Element

I woke up much too early and couldn’t get back to sleep. There was all sorts of rage and discouragement about all sorts of things that I don’t even remember now.

Then later when I went out on the street I felt uneasy. I used my reflection of the four elements and the elements of life, but even this was not enough.

So then, I thought of this from the Pali Suttas:

Develop meditation that is like the earth: as the earth is not troubled by agreeable or disagreeable things it comes into contact with, so if you meditate like the earth, agreeable and disagreeable experiences will not trouble you. Develop meditation like water, like fire, like air and like space: as all of these are not troubled by agreeable or disagreeable things they come into contact with, so if you meditate like water, fire, air or space, agreeable and disagreeable experiences will not trouble you.—MN62

And, at once I began to relax.

I had felt surrounded by the disagreeable, but this reflection dispelled my discomfort, and I was able to continue on with my tasks.

On my way back I encountered a dog wandering by itself off the leash, and thought how foolish people are to let their dogs roam, but then I reflected that considering people are just air, water, earth, and fire, my expectations were way too high. For how could these elements be intelligent?

After that, it seemed pretty foolish to bother getting upset about such trivialities, and I strolled along the rest of the way home sporting a silly grin.