Ecstatic: What’s Now

Well, here I am again, and I am certainly having a weird time, from worsening arthritis and back pain to sublime and/or serene reflections on the nature of things; and still moving along as best I can.

In fact, it’s just another day of far too much to do around here, to such an extent that I felt too overwhelmed to do anything; and so lay down on the bed to consider my situation. But then, I began to reflect, as follows:

If none of this is permanent, not even the universe, then it seems to me that it doesn’t matter. If, on the other hand, it’s all permanent and it is something “I” passes through, over and over again, then it doesn’t matter. If both, or neither or none of the above, or I simply don’t know, then I don’t think it matters either.

So then, what is this “overwhelmed” about?

It feels like a fear of loss of power or control.

But if there is no power, apart from everything (emptiness), there can be no loss anyway, as individually, “I” never had any; and if I have none, I have nothing to lose. If both are true, or neither or none, or I don’t know, then I don’t see a problem either.

And so, I got up off the bed and began doing things quite spontaneously: folding laundry, cleaning out the closet, paying bills, returning phone calls, sorting things through and discarding old papers, making tea and supper and writing this down.

From this I draw no conclusions whatsoever, however. All I know is that a lot of work got done. I have no idea how that happened or what relationship, if any, it has to the thinking that preceded it.

Change is happening all the time, and yet I don’t know of it. From one day to the next, I just do what’s necessary, or so it appears. Whether “I” goes by, or “it” goes by, or they just pass each other, or there’s no movement at all, I don’t know. There are so many of these, “I don’t know” s, right now, but was anything ever certain? I don’t think so, although I may have thought so and may think so again. What then? Wash the dishes, put them away, and wipe off the countertop, before getting ready to go to work.